mind-fog

2003-09-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

listening to: Tom asleep on my shoulder

stolen from estokes' LJ...

GEORGE W. BUSH RESUME
The White House, USA

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
*I attacked and took over two countries.
*I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.
*I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.
*I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
*I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
*I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
*I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
*In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.
*After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst ? security failure in US history.
*I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in US history.
*In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
*I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history.
*I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
*I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.
*I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.
*I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other president in US history.
*I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
*I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
*I cut health care benefits for war veterans.
*I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
*I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
*I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.
*Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her).
*I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
*I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
*I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
*I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
*I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history.
*I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.
*I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.
*I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.
*I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
*I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
*I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
*I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.
*I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
*The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation). I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
*I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied,saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
*I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.
*I took the world's sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
*I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
*I am the first US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
*I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
*I set the all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for gov't contracts.
*I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history. ? In a little over two years I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the civil war.
*I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
*I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
*I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war. I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
*All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
*All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view..
*All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
*Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PERSONAL REFERENCES:
*For personal references, please speak to my dad or uncle James Baker (They can be reached in their offices at the Carlyle Group where they are helping to divide up the spoils of the US-Iraq war and plan for the next one.)

2003-08-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

listening to: the rain outside

Nothing beats snuggling with your boyfriend (in this case, Tom, 'cause he's loveable) under a warm blanket on a cold day, and falling asleep while watching a special on Nefertitti.

Except maybe snuggling under a warm blanket with Tom on a cold day and drinking hot chocolate. :P

I have been so insanely happy and content the past 2 months, but these last couple of days have been absolutely amazing. He makes me so happy, without even trying, it blows my mind. I can quite honestly say that aside from some particularly memorable creative bursts in the past, these are literally the best and happiest days of my life.

P.S. Ignore the post before this, it's an old one from last year and I don't know why it's shown up. A bug in the Blogger system, I'm thinking.

2003-06-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Fallen Angel' (live) by Trio Nocturna

I've realized that the only reason I want a laptop is so I can sit on the couch while I do my stuffs. Which is retarded. Because that's $2500 for a comfy seat, really. My comp now kicks the ass of any laptop... I've got a 1900mhz processor and 612 megs of ram, etc. The only things I'm not happy with are my hard drive (13 gigs is SO not enough for XP, Photoshop 6 and Painter 7... it's scary. A 3 layer pic will chug my comp like sludge), and my monitor. Granted I got my monitor for free (thanks Heather for getting it, and thanks CRHS for throwing away perfectly good computer equipment). But I'm getting a bit cramped with 14". SO this is my new and improved plan. I'm going to take $200 (prolly the money I get for Christmas or I'll save it up or something) and get a 60 or 80 gig drive. That's step 1. Step 2 - I'm going to get a nice, comfy armchair from Albrecht's or Salvation Army or somesuch. Step 3 - Place comfy armchair in front of comp and put no so comfy kitchen chair in the kitchen. Step 4 - Enjoy. >:P

fuck.

I just got off the phone with Mom. She can't understand how bad it is at work.I mean, fuck. Louise fucking told Chris and I that we could get trained up. Now we find out today that they're hiring someone in, off the street with no experience to be a day supervisor. We're both pretty much doing supervisor jobs right now (well, Chris is. I've asked to be trained on paperwork and deposits, I guess I know now why she's been putting it off).

There's no future for us there. Just day in, day out, no chance of getting a better position. And although Louise is great to talk to and stuff, out of work, she's not so great at managing. Why else would everyone be miserable? We weren't with Ross as our manager. (Except Pauline, but who cares). We're getting minimum wage for ass breaking work, not seeing each other or friends at all. I've got hardly any time to myself to do anything. No chance of going to school like I want to, I won't be able to get the time off to do it. I have to work Christmas Day. Open. Me, working 6 days a week, 11 hour shifts, when the part time people are off of school for 2 weeks and could do it. Apparently I'm the ONLY one that can do it. In fact, I get 2 days off in the next month. I get Christmas Day, and I get Boxing Day. Big fucking deal. Christmas Day will be spent with my family for presents, breakfast and dinner. The supper will be spent with Chris's family. Lots of relaxation there. I get one fucking day off. Watch, I'll have to work that too. Forget New Years. Can't spend that with Chris or my friends. Have to work. We had the 18th signed off since August for The Two Towers. Evening for Chris, morning of the 19th for me. Since we both started working there (months before Louise came), we had it signed off. She bitched and moaned about it, complaining about how hard it'd be to fill the shifts, etc. Then made us thank her for being able to get it off for us.

...

Now I just got off the phone with Cala from The Art Institute Online. Where I really, really wanted to take Graphic Design from, but it would cost me over $100,000 Canadian. Fucking exchange rates. ::cries:: Which pretty much kills any chance for school. If I'd had the money to go there, I wouldn't need a job. But I do. And it has to be Subway or Robin's. Big difference. Robin's in the smoker's Tim Hortons, and another shitty place to work. I can't afford school, can't have a student loan and go to school without a job, or we lose the apartment. Not to mention that school would be $10 a day for cab rides, if I went to Holland College. Can't do the course at Sessions.Edu. Need a job for that, and to get enough hours to pay for it, I wouldn't have the time for the course. Not that I'd get it off anyhow.

Can't even change jobs in Stratford. I'd switch to Sobey's and work in the photo lab, but I severely doubt they're hiring full-time, and even if they were, it would still be $10 a day to get there, because I can't walk 2 blocks length on the Trans Canada in the winter. I can barely do it for Subway (although part of the problem there is me being so depressed I actually had to hold myself back today from walking out in front of a tractor as it sped by. That's how much I hate things.) I'm going to be stuck at this fucking job forever. I'd get a better job if I could go to school, but that won't happen because Subway won't let it. And I can't afford to live here if I do tell Subway to screw off, which means Chris is out on the street too (so is Henri).

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

If the next few years, or even year, of my life are going to be Subway, I don't want it. I don't want that life. This year has slipped out of my hands. The whole of 2002, and very little of it is memorable. That's not how I want to live. I want each day to mean something, not wish that it would end. Great life, this. Living in a nice apartment on PEI, which I love, no job worth having, no way to get education for a better job. Cna't move back home, Laura and Chris are there and expecting the baby in a few months.

SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? Waste my life or die? Those are about the only options I have. Not that anyone here will answer. No one that reads this shit cares enough to answer or talk to me about it. Screaming at the top of my lungs to a black void that doesn't care if I stop breathing.

2003-06-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Charlie Big Potato' by Skunk Anansie, 'Hedonism' by Skunk Anansie, 'I Can Dream' by Skunk Anansie

Of these 100 movies, I have seen:

Godfather, The (1972)
Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
Schindler's List (1993)
Citizen Kane (1941)
Casablanca (1942)
Seven Samurai (1954)
Star Wars (1977)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Memento (2000) (I own it!)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Rear Window (1954)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Usual Suspects, The (1995)
Amelie (2001)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
North by Northwest (1959)
Psycho (1960)
Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
12 Angry Men (1957)
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
Goodfellas (1990)
American Beauty (1999)
Vertigo (1958)
Pianist, The (2002)
Sunset Blvd. (1950)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
Matrix, The (1999)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Taxi Driver (1976)
Third Man, The (1949)
Paths of Glory (1957)
Fight Club (1999)
Boot, Das (1981)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
Double Indemnity (1944)
Chinatown (1974)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
All About Eve (1950)
M (1931)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Raging Bull (1980)
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
Seven (1995)
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000)
Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Vita e bella, La (1997)
American History X (1998)
Sting, The (1973)
Touch of Evil (1958)
Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
Alien (1979) (I own it)
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
Rashemon (1950)
Leon (1994)
Annie Hall (1977)
Great Escape, The (1963)
Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Sixth Sense, The (1999)
Jaws (1975)
Amadeus (1984)
On the Waterfront (1954)
Ran (1985)
Braveheart (1995)
High Noon (1952)
Fargo (1996)
Blade Runner (1982)
Apartment, The (1960)
Aliens (1986)
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Strangers on a Train (1951)
Modern Times (1936)
Shining, The (1980)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Duck Soup (1933)
Princess Bride, The (1987)
Lola Rennt (1998)
City Lights (1931)
General, The (1927)
Metropolis (1927)
Searchers, The (1956)
Manhattan (1979)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
Full Metal Jacket
Notorious (1946)

2003-06-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

listening to: machinery outside

Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

2003-06-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'One Last Time' by HIM

Primary Ability: Farseeker Farseekers posses the ability to communicate over great distances via telepathy. They are great friends who know when they're needed, and seem to be able to detect others thoughts.

Secondary Ability: Coercer Coercers are by far, the most powerful Misfit, possessing the ability not only to read other peoples minds, but to affect them as well. While Coercers can sometimes tend to be stubborn, they will sacrifice anything for the happiness of a friend.
What is your Misfit Talent?

2003-05-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'You Are the One' by HIM, 'Dark Secret Love' by HIM

Do you have fur babies: o.O
Do you have children: Not yet. Eventually.
Favorite herb: Sandalwood
Favorite flower: Dandelion (as much as Ed protests with me, I consider it a flower. nyah)
Favorite color(s): I like rainbows.
Favorite poet: Too many to choose from.
Favorite music: Loreena McKennitt, Tori Amos, HIM, Evanescence, Nine Inch Nails, Lisa Gerrard, Linkin Park, Metallica
Favorite book: 'The Mists of Avalon' by Marion Zimmer Bradley and 'Book of Shadows' by Phylis Curott
Favorite movie: 'The Crow' (the original)
Favorite flavor of ice cream/sherbet: Strawberry
Hobbies: Taking photos, reading, wasting time online, getting high, spending time outdoors, fighting

Roller coasters - cool or scary: Scary in a cool way
Violent thunderstorms - cool or scary: Extremely fucking cool
Night owl or early bird: Night owl
Favorite place in nature: Either on the beach or in the middle of the woods
Best feeling in the world: Being at peace with myself
Worst feeling in the world: Feeling lost, alone, rejected, ignored and scared... especially all at once
The first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning: Ungh... more sleep please
If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be: Dead - my maternal great-grandmother. Alive - Sean. Neither - Riordan.
What's on your mouse pad: I use my tablet as a mouse pad
What are on the walls in your bedroom: Various movie and anime posters, photos of friends, maps, etc.
Do you type with your fingers on the proper keys: Yes

If I were a stone, I would be a: river rock
If I were a tree, I would be a: apple tree
If I were a bird, I would be a: hummingbird
If I were an insect, I would be a: cricket or a butterfly
If I were a machine, I would be a: wind generator
If I were a tool, I would be a: magnifying glass or a boot knife
If I were a fruit, I would be a: strawberry
If I were a flower, I would be a: dandelion
If I were a kind of weather, I would be a: THUNDERSTORM
If I were a mythical creature, I would be a: centaur
If I were a musical instrument, I would be a: single windchime

If I were a profession, I would be a: delinquent
If I were a law, I would be: freedom of ____
If I were an animal, I would be a: cat
If I were anything in the world, I would be: magic!
If I were a color, I would be: rainbow
If I were a fragrance, I would be: woodsmoke or freshly mown grass
If I were an emotion, I would be: confusion
If I were a state or feeling, I would be: wonder
If I were a vegetable, I would be a: pumpkin... or maybe a potato
If I were a sound, I would be: a loon's call or thunder
If I were an element, I would be: mud, I think. Earth mixed with too much Water.

2003-05-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Circle of Fear' by HIM, 'Your Sweet 666' by HIM

First off, yes, I've been listening to a fuckload of HIM lately. I like to immerse myself in new bands/music. Deal with it. :P

Second off, I know all I've had lately has been quizzes, surveys and lyrics. When I have something I want to post here, I will. Until then, enjoy yet another survey and learn things you prolly already knew about me! I'll post a half decent survey later with things you most likely don't know about me. Until then...

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Sarah Mary Jane Himelman
-- Birth date: April 24, 1982
-- Birthplace: Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
-- Current Location: Stratford, Prince Edward Island
-- Eye Color: Depends on my mood, generally greenish brownish
-- Hair Color: Whatever you want to call this... red/blond/brownish
-- Height: 5'7
-- Righty or Lefty: Right
-- Zodiac Sign: Taurus

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: A lot of Irish with some German, English, French and Scottish mixed in. I'm a Euro mutt. :P
-- The shoes you wore today: My brown shoes
-- Your fears: Money, hope
-- Your perfect pizza: Vegetarian pizza with no pineapple (the President's Choice veggie pizza is my top choice)
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Be happy with who I am

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: :P
-- Your thoughts first waking up: "Motherfucker... unghh..."
-- Your best physical feature: Eyes
-- Your bedtime: If I work the morning shift next day, around midnight. If not, then whenever I feel like.
-- Your most missed memory: Times spent with Sean

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Neither. Wendy's
-- Single or group dates: Both
-- Adidas or Nike: UGH
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Hot herbal tea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino!!

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Yes
-- Cuss: Fuck yes
-- Sing: I try to (Pixie thinks I should take voice lessons... :P)
-- Take a shower everyday: Usually
-- Have a crush: Yes
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes
-- Want to go to college: Yes
-- Like(d) high school: Only in grade 12
-- Want to get married: Eventually
-- Believe in yourself: At times
-- Get motion sickness: No
-- Think you're attractive: Sometimes
-- Think you're a health freak: Not in the least
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yes
-- Like thunderstorms: LOVE them
-- Play an instrument: Recorder and chanter, years ago

LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: At Shadowplay
-- Smoked: Yes
-- Done a drug: Yes (pot)
-- Had Sex: No
-- Made Out: No
-- Gone on a date: No
-- Gone to the mall: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Half a box
-- Eaten sushi: Yes
-- Been on stage: Unfortunately, no
-- Been dumped: No
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen anything: No

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
-- If so, was it mixed company: As in, both sexes? No, just the opposite sex
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: If you call being completely fUcKeD on pot intoxicated, then hell yeah
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes
-- Been called a tease: Yes
-- Gotten beaten up: Yes. :D
-- Shoplifted: No
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Yes, but never again

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: Uhm... hopefully by 26
-- Numbers and Names of Children: I want at least one son and at least one daughter... their names will come when they do
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: I want to be handfasted. Beyond that, I don't know.
-- How do you want to die: Violently by someone else's hands
-- Where you want to go to college: Nova Scotia College of Art and Design
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Photographer
-- What country would you most like to visit: Ireland, England, France, Morocco

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? Doesn't matter
-- Best hair color? Doesn't matter
-- Short or long hair: Doesn't matter
-- height: At least as tall as me
-- Best weight: As long as he carries himself well, I don't care
-- Best articles of clothing: Jeans look good on everyone
-- Best first date location: Beach... or the carnival (I love the rides and colors and craziness of it all)
-- Best first kiss location: Uhm... I'll go out on a limb here... but lips or neck

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: Two
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: Sean, Ed, Pixie, Rico and tulo (aside from family)
-- Number of CDs that I own: Quite a few
-- Number of piercings: One in each ear, one in my right eyebrow
-- Number of tattoos: None yet (I hope to remedy that)
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: At least 4 times
-- Number of scars on my body: Far too many to count, I was a rough and tumble kid... :P
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: ...more than i like to admit.

2003-05-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Pretending' by HIM

Loose You Tonight

What Song By HIM Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Join Me (ice version) ~ You long to be with someone
but there are different variables that hold you
back from that person. There's nothing more in
the world that you'd want than to be with them.

Which HIM video are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Deep shadows and brilliant highlights-so
cool.Although you're perfect,some people don't
like you.

Which HIM album are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'The Path' by HIM

"Oh girl we are the same
we are young and lost and so afraid
there's no cure for the pain
no shelter from the rain
All our prayers seem to fail

In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart
in joy and sorrow my home's in your amrs
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart

Oh girl we are the same
we are strong and blessed and so brave
with souls to be saved
and faith regained
all our tears wipe away

In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart
in joy and sorrow my home's in your arms
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart

In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart
in joy and sorrow my home's in your arms
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart

and my home's in your arms
and it is breaking my heart
my home's in your arms
and it is breaking my heart"

- 'In Joy and Sorrow' by HIM

2003-05-28T04:55:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Your Sweet 666' by HIM, 'One Last Time' by HIM, 'For You' by HIM

[ Name ]: Sarah
[ Born in ]: Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
[ Resides in ]: Stratford, Prince Edward Island
[ Good student? ]: n/a
[ Eyes ]: Bright green when I'm hyper, brownish green when I'm calm
[ Hair ]: Brownish reddish blondish. Mostly brown
[ Shoe size ]: 8

Last time you..
[ Had a nightmare ]: Last week
[ Said "I love you" and meant it ]: A few months ago
[ Ate at McDonald's ]: A few weeks ago
[ Dyed your hair ]: Never
[ Brushed your hair ]: Sunday
[ Washed your hair ]: Yesterday
[ Cried ]: I don't remember... sometime last week
[ Called someone ]: Last night
[ Smiled ]: This morning
[ Laughed ]: Last night
[ Talked to an ex ]: Last night

Do you..
[ Smoke? ]: Yes
[ Do drugs? ]: Yes (just pot)
[ Have sex? ]: Yes
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ]: Yes
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: Yes, a few of them
[ Play an instrument? ]: Recorder and chanter, though I haven't played either in years
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: To some extent
[ Remember your first love? ]: Sean.
[ Still love him/her? ]: Yes
[ Read the newspaper? ]: Yes
[ Have any straight friends? ]: Yes
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: Sometimes
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: Some alcohol (vodka slings and Guiness)
[ Believe in God? ]: I believe in many gods
[ Pray? ]: Yes
[ Go to church? ]: Once in awhile, to see my dad preach
[ Have any secrets? ]: More than anyone realizes
[ Have any pets ]: Henri (my cat) and Poisson (my betta fish)
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you]: No
[ Wear hats? ]: My Robin's cap for work, and my sunhat for summer
[ Have any piercings? ]: Ears and right eyebrow
[ Have any tattoos? ]: Not yet
[ Hate yourself? ]: At times
[ Have an obsession? ]: Aha... haha. Certain people (celebrities included). Some healthy, some not.
[ Have a secret crush? ]: Yes (though it's not so secret anymore)
[ Collect anything? ]: I collect nifty rocks
[ Have a best friend? ]: Yes, a few. (Ed, Pixie, Renee, tulo)
[ Like your handwriting? ]: Yes
[ Have any bad habits? ]: I pick at my fingers
[ Care about looks? ]: I have a growing interest in my personal appearance
[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: I appreciate looks, but it's not a big thing for me
[ Friends and other people? ]: Every single one of my friends is beautiful... some so much it hurts to look
[ Believe in witches? ]: Seeing as I am one...
[ Believe in Satan? ]: Not really
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: Yes

Current:
[ Dress ]: My red plaid pajama pants and my blue tshirt
[ Mood ]: meh
[ Make-up ]: A bit of eyeliner
[ Music ]: Lots and lots of HIM
[ Taste ]: Nothing
[ Hair ]: Back in a ponytail
[ Annoyance ]: My life in general
[ Smell ]: My tangerine scented candle
[ Thought ]: I need to get some sleep
[ Book ]: 'Club Vampyre' by Linda K. Hamilton
[ Fingernail Color ]: They're not painted
[ Refreshment ]: Pepsi
[ Worry ]: Rent check due this weekend
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: HIM (fucking awesome band)

Last Person:
[ You Touched ]: I hugged Renee last night before I left
[ You Talked to ]: Amy on MSN
[ You Hugged ]: Renee
[ You Instant messaged ]: Amy
[ You Yelled At ]: Stephen on MSN
[ You Had A Crush On ]: I don't like crushes
[ Who broke Your Heart ]: I'd rather not say
[ Kissed ]: Chris

Who do you want to:
[ Kill ]: The majority of society
[ Slap ]: Everyone I see, especially some of my best friends
[Tickle ]: Cassie
[ Talk To ]: Ed
[ Have Sex with ]: Vincent Cassel
[ Kiss ]: argh...
[ Be Like ]: Me

2003-05-28T02:29:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'The Funeral of Hearts' by HIM

You are Trinity, from "The Matrix."
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate
heroine.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Trinity, from "The Matrix." Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate heroine.

2003-05-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Believe' by Disturbed

I had the best time of my entire life in Halifax this weekend, including the happiest night of my life last night. And I hate that I had to come back here. Let's start from the beginning.

We left for the boat around 5am on Saturday. When we hit Wood Islands, I realized that I had quite stupidly forgotten to write down CP and tulo's cell numbers. We shrugged it off, knowing we would figure out something. So when we arrived in Halifax, we went to my grandparents' place and phoned Brian to see if we could use his comp to msg tulo on MSN. He said sure, and then we had an adventure trying to get there. We found the apartment buildings. We got out at building 5. I asked Pixie which he was in and she said complex 423. Fuck. So We walked our tired asses up a really goddamned steep hill to the last building, number 10. So then we figured it might be the building through the woods. In getting to it, we had to cross a ravine 20 feet deep. It wasn't the right building. We then trudged back to the previous complexes (somehow not killing ourselves) and there was Brian, standing on his balcony (in building 4, apartment 23).

Then there was the matter of getting ahold of tulo. She didn't respond on MSN. Brian informed us he had free long distance, so I called CP's mom back here. Busy. I called Rico's. She was at work. I called Jumbo to talk to Rico. She couldn't remember the number. I tried CP's mom again. Busy. Then I called tulo's dad, who gave it to me for a $10 surcharge. :P So we finally got ahold of tulo and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey!
tulo: Hey! Where are you?
Me: Bedford.
tulo: BEDFORD?!
Me: Yes, we're at Brian's in Bedford.
tulo: Do you even know how to get back to Halifax from Bedford?
Me: Yes....
tulo: OK, good.

Then she gave us directions as Brian's turtle tried to escape it's aquarium. Apparently I looked appetizing. o.O Eventually we got to tulo and CP's and got settled in. Went shopping. Met up with Scott. Did more shopping.

Got the wind throughly knocked out of me... I body checked CP into the wall in the hall, and he came up behind me and shoved me forward from behind while Ed, (with no knowledge of what CP was doing or vice-versa) who was in front of me, came back and shoved his shoulder into my chest. So I was sandwiched between them very painfully for a moment. It was awesome. I felt great.

Sat outside on the street with Scott and saved the parking spot for Ed's car while Ed, CP and tulo went to pick up sliced almonds for dinner. Had dinner. (CP and tulo eat real food! They can actually cook, and they do it quite well. We had yummy food all weekend). Played copious amounts of 'Super Mario Bros. 3' with Pixie. Fell asleep at 10 (all of us. We were tired).

Slept in yesterday and then awoke and played video games. For many, many hours. 'Animal Crossing', 'Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt', and 'Super Mario Bros. 3' to be exact. Then began the happiest night of my life.

First off, it took far too long for Pixie and tulo to do my makeup. They had me in there for an HOUR. Ed was laughing his ass off out in the living room with CP as various cries of, "Motherfucker!", "Oh my god! I'm blind! You blinded me!" and various expletives were heard from me. It wasn't the most harrowing experience of my life, but it's in the top 10. In the end though, it all worked out, because I looked GOOD. Like, really good.

Shadowplay was the best experience of my entire life. I'm not joking. I will never forget it. I have never felt like I did there. It was the first time I've ever been somewhere and felt pretty, confident, and sure of myself, not giving a damn what anyone (anyone) thought about me. We had a table with Nadya & Guy, Colin, Brian, and Scott. I had a blast. We were there from 10ish to around 3am. Just dancing, talking and having a fabulous time. The music kicked ass. Ed was out there dancing with Pixie and I, which I wasn't sure if he would do or not. He and I were out alone together at one point, and I said I had to sit down for a breather and he said no and challenged me to stay. So I did and got right into his face, so to speak. I went right up to him and danced really, really close to him. :P

I was half drunk at the end of the evening (one vodka sling and 1 1/2 Guiness. Go low alcohol tolerance in my family!). I used up my entire disposable camera at the club. I cannot wait to get it developed. I loved hanging out with everyone there (this means you, Nadya. And Guy and Colin and Brian. You guys rock).

The trip home was... an adventure. We left 11am this morning and headed for the ferry. Upon our arrival at 2pm, we were told the next boat didn't go until 4pm. Ed had to be to work at 4:30pm. There was much swearing and phoning of jobs and parents at this point. Then we hopped in the car and headed for the bridge. Except we took a wrong turn and ended up halfway to Cape Breton before we realized what was wrong. I swear, I'm not sure how I made it through that hour... the energy coming off of Ed... it was coming off in waves and it was bad. He was going 140 the entire time with white knuckles and intermittant growls. He wasn't angry at us, he was pissed at the situation and at his mom (she was a bitch on the phone). He calmed down eventually though, and he and Pixie switched at the toll highway so he could rest for a bit.

There was general groaning and regret when we got to the other side of the bridge. I think that if we didn't have jobs that we had to go to, we would have turned right back around and stayed in Halifax. We're talking about getting a house here. No plans have been made, it's all just talk right now. For them at least anyhow. I'm coming no matter what, I just need a roommate. And living with them would rock my fucking world. Hence why I'm hoping things work out so that we can be full-time students at CGNU (my and Pixie's nickname for Halifax). It's just... I don't think I can ever be as comfortable with myself here as I was over there. I know some people in particular may disagree with me, but it's how I feel.

Point of this post being... I had the time of my life in Halifax. And I'm not sure how much longer I can take it here until I can move over to where I feel I belong.

2003-05-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

listening to: Ed, Pixie, Lesley and Shamus talking about John Cleese

I too, am going to attempt to read all of these "must-read" books. Mainly because all of the ones I have read (in bold) have been quite enjoyable. Except my goal for reading them all is 5 years (I'm generous).

1984, George Orwell
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
The BFG, Roald Dahl
Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
Bleak House, Charles Dickens
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
Catch 22, Joseph Heller
The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
Dune, Frank Herbert
Emma, Jane Austen
Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
The Godfather, Mario Puzo
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Holes, Louis Sachar
I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
Katherine, Anya Seton
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien
Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton
Magician, Raymond E Feist
The Magus, John Fowles
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
Middlemarch, George Eliot
Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
Mort, Terry Pratchett
Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
On The Road, Jack Kerouac
One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Perfume, Patrick Suskind
Persuasion, Jane Austen
The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen
The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret History, Donna Tartt
The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
The Stand, Stephen King
The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
Tess Of The D'urbervilles, Thomas Hardy (I love this book. It's one of my favorites.)
The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Twits, Roald Dahl
Ulysses, James Joyce
Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy
Watership Down, Richard Adams
The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame
Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne
The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte

2003-05-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Mad World' by Gary Jules (from the 'Donnie Darko' soundtrack)

Fawn over my beautiful little niece!

2003-05-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Unreal Tournament' soundtrack

Switzerland -
A neutral power for as long as most can remember,
it has avoided war for several centuries.
However, it is still considered highly advanced
and a global power.

Positives:

Judicial.

Neutrality.

World-Renouned.

Powerful without Force.

Makes Excellent Watches, Etc.

Negatives:

Target of Ridicule.

Constant Struggle to Avoid Conflict.

Target of Criminal Bank Accounts.

Which Country of the World are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Down in the Park' by Nine Inch Nails & Marilyn Manson

*5 things you are wearing*
1. Maroon MUNS tshirt
2. Black suede/cork sandals
3. A clear ouchless hair thingy
4. The funktastic pants that Rico made for me!
5. Evil, addictive La Senza underthings

*5 things you can see*
1. A lit Healing Garden candle (tangerine)
2. A large piece of driftwood
3. An electric bill and a lot of pay stubs
4. Piles and piles of photographs
5. My camera

*5 things you are doing right now*
1. Worrying about Pixie
2. Contemplating sleep
3. Writing an email to Ed and Pixie about our Halifax trip
4. Bitching at LiveJournal
5. Laughing at Strong Bad's latest email

*5 things you ate in the last 24 hours*
1. Milk (1%, chocolate, etc)
2. Peanut butter and jam sandwich
3. Homemade bread
4. Tuna casserole
5. Chicken from KFC

*5 things you did so far today*
1. Woke up
2. Went to work
3. Fed Poisson
4. Played with Cassie
5. Had a bad dream

*5 things you can hear right now*
1. 'Bullet With Your Name' by Scars of Life
2. Cars passing on the road
3. Henri purring
4. The frogs outside
5. My keys clacking as I type

*5 colors you can see*
1. Orange (candle)
2. Various shades of grey (comp, general light on the desk, Henri)
3. Reddish green (apple candle)
4. Yellow (dried dandelions)
5. Cyan (Wacom tablet)

2003-05-19T23:42:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Away From Me' by Evanescence

'Away From Me' by Evanescence

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I

[CHORUS:]
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

[Chorus]

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

[Chorus]

2003-05-16T06:53:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Le Pacte des Loups - Cleansing'

Ok... the guy in this FF amv is really hot. I mean, for a 3d animated character. Apparently his name is Squall (said Rico). He's the dude with the scar on his nose and the leather jacket with the white fluff collar).

Yes. Hotsors. This is the first time I've been intrigued by an animated character since Prince Darien/Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon back in grade 10.

2003-05-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Le Pacte des Loups - Cleansing'

You are Twinkle Faerie! You may seem gentle on the
outside, but you can be quite wicked at times.
You are strong and willful. Check out this song
to find your own personal meaning.

~Which Tori Amos Faerie Are You~
brought to you by Quizilla

Which X2 Character Are You?

You're Rogue, but not half as angsty and southern as the original. Your habit of absorbing people's energy and powers on touch means that skin/skin contact with other people isn't a good idea, unless you're feeling mean.

this is my way to live

What about yours?

made by rav-chan

2003-05-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Brotherhood of the Wolf' soundtrack

I had a good day. Work was long, but fun. I like working with the Tammys. After work I went out home to see my darling little niece (who is the most beautiful baby ever), and to see Nanny, Grampie, aunt Dawn and uncle Gerry, who were all visiting for the day. I made aunt Jeanne's wallet (grey main body with a green alien decoration) and many photos were taken of the 4 generations of us. Also a photo was taken of my pierced eyebrow next to Laura's tattooed back. :P

In 2 seperate incidents, Dawn and Nan each shoved $20 at me, and refused to take it back. So I'm going into town tonight to hang out with Rico and throw some film in to be developed at the Stuperstore. 5 rolls... and there's more lying around places. o.O

To all: I apologize for the lack of updates recently. I shall try to remedy this by updating here at least every 2 days. Also, go download the 'Brotherhood of the Wolf' soundtrack.

Can't wait for the trip to Halifax! I need a vacation from this life.

2003-05-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

listening to: nothing

You are Poison!You're apathetic and detatched from
reality.Noone can really relate to you but it
doesn't matter much to you since you live in
your own little world anyway..

Which Gothic Powerpuff Girl Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Silver Screen Siren are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Woah. You're an insane mad cow. Control yourself.
Better get a straightjacket ready for you,
because you REALLY need it...

What kind of mad cow are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Wolverine!

A loner by nature, you feel uncomfortable when
around those you don't know and even those you
do. You are awkward when it comes to
relationships, but fiercely loyal to those you
love.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Bring Me to Life' by Evanescence

stolen from Rico's LJ

1. Do you think I'm attractive (honestly)?
2. What is the first word that comes to mind when you think about me?
3. What is the most noticable thing about my personality?
4. Would you say I am a nice person?
5. What is something you have noticed that you don't really like about me?
6. Would you like to get to know me better?
7. Why do you read my journal?
8. If you could give me one piece of advice, what would it be?
9. What is my greatest physical feature?
10. All in all, would you consider yourself glad to know me?

You know what to do. Or maybe you don't. No one has bothered to fill out the last one here (Rico is excluded, as she did it on my LJ). No one even bothers to comment here anymore. :/

2003-05-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'morphsounds'

stolen from Laura's LJ

1. when and how did we meet:
2. have you ever seen me cry:
3. describe me in four adjectives:
4. if we could spend a day together what would we do:
5. have we ever gotten in a fight:
6. if you could give me a present what would it be:
7. would you hug me:
8. what do you really think of me:
9. have we ever kissed:
10. has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to:
11. wanna makeout:
12. name one thing you dont like about me:

Fill it out and comment/email me.

2003-05-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'morphsounds' (a sweet Live365 station)

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	48.3% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	60.4%
Shamelessness	66.7% It takes a couple of drinks	76%
Sex Drive	60.5% A fool for love, but not always	74%
Straightness	10.7% Knows the other body type like a map	38.9%
Gayness	100%	78.2%
Fucking Sick	78.8% Refreshingly normal	87.3%
You are 60.1% pure Average Score: 68.5%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

2003-05-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'morphsounds' (a sweet Live365 station)

Rico found this great page to create your own South Park character. Witness some of the fruits of my labor.

It's me, Ed and Chris.

2003-05-05T07:12:00.000-07:00

listening to: random Live365 game/anime stations

Update a go go like a commercial!

Henri keeps destroying my plant. ><

'X2' kicked major fucking ass. Nightcrawler rocks.

I'm installing Ragnarok Online. Go me!

I picked some dandelions and they're sitting in/on my 7 day candle. Yay! I <3 dandelions.

Replaced the Colin Firth picture on my wallet with one of Vincent Cassel. :P

Just to reiterate, I love working at Robin's.

Good luck to Ed! He's in Truro this week, job hunting.

I'm hungry, so I'm going to go make myself food.

2003-05-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

listening to: random Live365 rock stations

I'm pissed off. I finally got all of 'Irreversible', and got the codec to watch it. 10 or 15 minutes in, the visuals die. The audio track keeps going, but the scene is stuck in the mud. I want to see this movie! Motherfuckers.

2003-05-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

listening to: random Live365 rock stations

It's recently come to my attention how much I dislike Sum 41's music. I do.

2003-05-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

listening to: random Live365 rock stations

I was just thinking about the general opinion of my taste in men. I think it's safe to say that I'm pretty unique. I mean, as far as celebrity boy toys go, look at my track record: Donatello (yes, the ninja turtle, it was a 2nd grade thing), Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Lee, and Vincent Cassel. Even when it comes to in-the-flesh guys, I seem to always have things for the not quite so obvious guys (but in my opinion, they're the best friends and people you could ever meet). I have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm just having random thoughts about my taste in men.

And to apologize for all the Vincent Cassel talk on both this and my LJ... you all know I have a tendency to obsess (understatement!).

::sigh:: I think I sum it all up when I say, guys suck.

2003-05-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Where Did You Go' by Full Devil Jacket

This last pic is my favorite of him (and currently my desktop)... he's about to kill. I love the look on his face, the waves of animalistic rage coming off of him.

The basic point of this post is to introduce you all to the man who is challenging my fetish for Christopher Lee, Mr. Vincent Cassel. Yes, I know, Rico and Pixie think he's ugly. That's good. It means more Vincent for me. GRAWR!!! He's got that tall, lanky, predatory hynoptic gaze thing going on that drives me mad.

As it turns out, Ed's ultimate celebrity girl (Monica Bellucci) is married to my new boy toy. So, we've hatched a devious plan. We're going to go to France, and break up their marriage (somehow). Then Ed can take Ms. Bellucci wherever he wants to do whatever he wants, and I can do naughty things with Mr. Cassel. >:P

Soon... soon our plan will fall into place... mwahaha.

2003-05-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Imaginary' by Evanescence (playing in my head)

You are the Low-Fidelity All-Star. You were born
with your cool, and it's totally natural. You
run the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they
can ingest as much coffee as you) to the geeky
hipster (Mario Kart, anyone?).

What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Bring Me to Life' by Evanescence

And yet all of this with the Tories. :P Take the quiz yourself.

2003-04-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Fields of Innocence' by Evanescence

Good news! My tea kettle is salvageable. The plastic top thingy is a little warped, and it desperately needs a new paint job (which I will start tonight, hee), but it should still work, which is good.

Bad news! I may have fucked my dishwasher! I'm going to call Jeff in a sec to see if he can get Jonas over here to take a look at it. (Jonas is his friend, he's a plumber). We shall see... I don't eat until then though, unless I take my cheque I got in the mail today and go get food that doesn't require dishes. :/

2003-04-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'How You Remind Me' by Nickelback

How evil are you?

2003-04-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Down in the Park' by Marilyn Manson + Nine Inch Nails

OK... chalk one up for me... my first ever sitcom moment...

I have no clean dishes (and I also have a mountain of trash and compost to be taken down to the bins outside). I thought, since I'm out of dishwasher detergent, that I'd just use the normal do-it-by-hand dish detergent.

BAD FUCKING IDEA. DON'T EVER DO IT.

So, here I am now. I have to leave for work momentarily. I have most of the suds that were covering my kitchen floor gone (I used them to mop the floor). At matai's suggestion, I'm going to leave the dishwasher open, in hopes that the suds will have dissipated by the time I get home at 7. I'm going to nab some real dishwasher detergent from work tonight so I can get these done without repeat incident.

More bad news... it wasn't my dishwasher that was setting off the smoke alarm (although that's not exactly bad news, I guess). See, I had put a pot of water (my last semi-clean pot) on the stove so I could make some KD to eat before work. Unfortunately, I turned the wrong burner on. ><

My once white tea kettle is now black and bubbling around the edges. I think I need a new one. :(

Jeff laughed his ass off at me, and so did my manager Krista when I called to say I'd be a few minutes late. Hell, I'm laughing at me. I'm just upset that I may no longer have a tea kettle. ::cries::

Anyhow... to go scrounge up something to eat that I don't have to cook. Then to change and to work.

2003-04-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

listening to:'Underneath it All' by NIN

You're Rufus Sewell! - the bad boy of British
theatre and cinema, your dashing good looks and
intense screen persona should've boosted you to
idol status in the US years ago. Unfortunately,
they didn't... but hey, who really cares? Your
stage work has won international acclaim, and
you're hotter and far more interesting than
most American actors, anyway.

Which under-used Hollywood import are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Rufus Sewell... schweeet.

2003-04-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'So Far Away' by Stabbing Westward

Here I was, all anxious because I thought Ed would be pissed at me 'cause of last night. See, he was supposed to come over at 5 for dinner (burnt pasta, go me) and 'Fight Club'. Of course, being Ed, he didn't show up until ten to six. :P Because last night was the pagan meet and greet #2/Earth Day ritual (which I still think went well, Rico), I had to leave at 6:45. So what was decided was Ed would hang out at my place and hold down the fort until I got back. I left my keys with him so if he decided to go out for schtuff, he could get back in.

Well, we (me, Rico and Rob) left Aleta's around midnight (ritual + Mononoke Hime), and Kelly picked Rico and I up around 12:30. Here I was, slightly freaked because Ed would have been waiting like, 6 hours. But there was no Ed when we got here (although there was a Les with us, we kidnapped him before we left Rico's). I had to get in the building by buzzing the party animals in #9. :P However, since there was no Ed, there were no keys.

So we left again, to go driving. A quick stop at Online Support added the Dave to our motley mix, and we drove around for awhile as we have a tendency to do, checking back to see if there were any lights on at place. I regrettably was quite tired and fell asleep for part of the drive. We eventually headed back to Rico's place, where I crashed on her couch.

I woke up this morning around 10:30, and there was no answer at either my place or Ed's. This is when I start getting really anxious, because I figure Ed must have been pissed at me about not being there last night, plus I needed my keys to close tonight at work. Dad picked me up from Rico's, and drove me to Ed's place, where after a couple of bell rings, he was finally there in his pajamas (albeit, mostly asleep), and my keys close at hand.

So, I was all ready to apologize when he started apologizing to me. o.O Apparently one of his friends called last night and was in a bad way, so Ed went to help him out and due to circumstances, was unable to return to the apartment last night. So all was well in the end. He kept apologizing, but I told him he could make it up to me by hanging out with me tomorrow on my big birthday. :P I'm calling him around 10, and we're going to go get his tire fixed and then hang out. Pixie's joining us from 2-5, I think, and I know Rico's got dibs on me from 7 onward. Anyone who wants to send me wishes tomorrow by hanging out, or general emailing can do so.

So, in the end, all is well. I also noticed at the Superstore that my balance was $5.87, meaning that the cheque to the PI cleared, meaning that in about 2 weeks time, I'll know where Sean is.

2003-04-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

listening to: you know what

I made 2 wallets today, one for Dad (gasp! odd that he'd want one, it kinda weirded me out), and the one for Heather. I have to make a yellow one for Nancy tonight, she's a regular at Robin's - I told her I'd have it tomorrow. She wants it before she goes to Cuba on Friday. I have to get blue tape tomorrow at the Confed Mall $1 store so I can make Krista's. I have to... fuck, let's just take stock of what I have to make.

- 1 wallet (yellow) for Nancy
- 1 wallet (blue) for Krista
- 1 wallet (?) for Don
- 1 wallet (?) for Mandi
- 1 wallet (custom) for Robin
- 1 wallet (gray) for Jeanne
- 1 casino bag for Mom (watch me make those for everyone in Musquodoboit too)
- 1 mini messenger bag (grey with white accent) for Ami
- 1 mini messenger bag (grey with lots of color) for Laura

GUH. Rico, how did we get into this? Yeesh, I haven't even tried to make jewellery or belts or anything else yet and already I'm overrun. I think Jeff is right, we should start charging for these, and make ourselves a tidy little profit. I know I've got plans to buy an assload of the blue and green tape for wallets to paint Island scenes on to sell at Happy Red's. What say you, Rico?

hehe... Heather gave me some duct tape she'd found when I gave her her wallet (red and white).

On a very good note... I see at least one fox a day now. If it's not in the playground, it's in the 'burbs by Ed's, or behind Mom and Dad's. There's a fox and some kits living in one of the hills in the forest of alders behind the house. We saw her yesterday, sunning on top of the hill and we could hear the kits inside/nearby.

Another miscellaneous note - apparently I can sleep with no problems whatsoever with a crying baby in the room. Mom had Cassie in the living room with Jeff, Laura and Chris (Henderson) and I, and I fell asleep while she was crying and slept right on through. I saw a trailer and a clip from 'X2', which brings me to my next point...

WHO'S GOING WITH ME TO 'X2' NEXT FRIDAY? I'M UP FOR DIBS!

*ahem*

I'm also up for dibs on Thursday (all day and night) if anyone wants to throw birthday wishes at me or hang out with me in general. HINT HINT. I want Thursday to be a whirlwind of fun.

2003-04-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Understanding' by Evanescence

Ok, so how dead does it have to be for Trish to sweep the parking lot for something to do? That's how dead it was this evening. Crazy.

I was woken up this morning by a pink candleholder with bunnies on it being shaken in front of my face. Upon closer inspection, I discovered it contained lots of chocolate! Yum. I was also presented with a cup of flavored coffee, then Jeff and I sat down and watched 'The Count of Monte Cristo' on TMN.

I made a duct tape wallet for Jeff, and promptly had Mom, Dad, and Jeff fawn over it and tell me I should sell them. Bah. I now have to make wallets for Mandi, Robin, Don, Heather, Jeanne, Krista my manager; a casino bag for Mom; and Todd told me (I think as a joke) to try a duct tape coat. hmm. I have a lot of wallets to make. But apparently Mom's taking me out tomorrow to buy me more tape, so it's all good.

I made myself a duct tape mini-messenger bag before work. It's l33t.

Goddamn, Henri won't get off my fucking legs. He's being all supercute and cuddly, and digging his claws into my legs.

I apologize for the lack of real, substantial updates to mind-fog as of late. Most of my personal stuff has to do with one or 2 problems in particular, and I unfortunately feel the need to censor myself here when speaking about them due to certain readers who they may concern. Almost all of this has been posted in my LJ. If you want to read it, get an LJ code and I'll add you to my friends list.

2003-04-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Bring Me to Life' by Evanescence

You Are: Truman Capote!Draco

He was determined to be great, and all great men
came to a point when they stopped believing in
what others thought of them. When this time
came for him, no one quite understood it, and
part of him was thrilled at that fact: another
mark of the great. The people did, however,
still like him, and he couldnt have been more
in his element. However, when his next step
toward greatness and immortality, he was
certain was that of insight and cruelly honest
commentary of their ways, they werent quiet so
charmed. Some people just dont get it.

Which Writer!Harry Potter Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

10 bands you can't live without
1) Evanescence
2) Loreena McKennitt
3) Linkin Park
4) Nine Inch Nails
5) Tori Amos
6) Ceredwen
7) Great Big Sea
8) The Tea Party
9) Rammstein
10) Metallica

9 albums that are important to you
1) Evanescence - "Fallen"
2) Loreena McKennitt - "The Mask and the Mirror"
3) Loreena McKennitt - "Book of Secrets"
3) Linkin Park - "Hybrid Theory"
4) Nine Inch Nails - "The Fragile"
5) Linkin Park - "Meteora"
6) The Crow Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
7) Sarah McLachlan - "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"
8) Ceredwen - "Or Mabinogi"
9) Ceredwen - "The Golden Land"

8 videos you could watch over and over
1) Loreena McKennitt- anything
2) Tori Amos - anything
3) Evanescence - any
4) Tea Party - any
5) Rammstein - anything live (GO TILL OMG)
6) Godsmack - "Voodoo"
7) Blink 182 - "Rock Show"
8) Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Otherside"

7 things that annoy you
1) society
2) close mindedness
3) the distinct lack of good kids meal toys at fast food places today
4) growing up
5) lack of enough hours in each day to do what I want
6) the fact I can't get Jolt Cola here
7) people like Luis and Angela

6 of your favorite songs
1) Loreena McKennitt - "The Mystic's Dream"
2) Loreena McKennitt - "The Mummer's Dance"
3) Loreena McKennitt - "Stolen Child"
4) Loreena McKennitt - "Santiago"
5) Loreena McKennitt - "Huron Beltane Fire Dance"
6) Evanescence - "Bring Me to Life"

5 tv channels you watch regularly (as regularly as I can with no cable)
1) Space
2) Scream
3) Teletoon
4) MuchMusic
5) Global

4 of your all-time favorite books
1) "The Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley
2) "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk
3) "Book of Shadows" by Phylis Curott
4) any of the Rupert books

3 albums you ~~bought~~ downloaded recently
1) Evanescence - "Fallen"
2) Linkin Park - "Meteora"
3) Scars of Life - "Mute"

2 celebrities you would like to fuck
1) Christopher Lee (circa 1960-1975)
2) Colin Firth (now please)

1 band whose music is the soundtrack of your life
1) Evanescence

2003-04-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICO!

2003-04-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Hello' by Evanscence

I got my postcard from Nick today! It's very cool, one of his photos and it had these funky ass stamps on it. *huggles* Postcard tag has officially begun!

It, plus meeting that photography guy at work the other day that offered to teach me, has inspired me to go take photos today.

2003-04-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

listening to: anything and everything I've dled by Evanescence

'Bring Me to Life' by Evanescence

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become

now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

if there were ever a song to describe what I'm feeling right now... it will be over soon. all the questions will be answered

Now go. Every last one of you. Download this song and many, many others by Evanescence. Seriously.

2003-04-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Comedown' by Bush

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Quite the mixed bag, aren't I.

2003-04-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

listening to: 'Duelling Violins' by Ronan Hardiman, 'Packie Duigan's' by Dervish

So I got a big package from my Nanny today! It was my birthday gift. In this huge box were the following items (mostly made by her), plus some:

- pretty tea towels
- a homemade teddy bear (I've named him Rodrigo)
- an extremely comfortable tshirt (that I'm wearing)
- $20 in quarters
- a heapload of Christmas oranaments she made to start my own collection
- packets of homemade apple cider mix
- bubble bath
- some cool necklaces (including a pearl choker)
- some flower pins she painted for me
- a notepad with a blue heron on it
- nesting cannisters that she painted for me... light blue with fruit on them (they're gorgeous)
- a painted cow magnet
- some little trinket boxes, painted up
- some homemade Christmas pins
- a black pillow with silver roses painted on it
- some placemats
- a bunch more stuff I can't remember

I love my Nanny!

2003-04-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

listening to: Swirly Girl Channel (live365 station)

stole the book survey from Nadya.

1. What book is in your bathroom?
'Microserfs' by Douglas Coupland... always loved that book.

2. What book is in your purse/backpack?
'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwood - good read so far (I'm still in the first chapter)

3. What book is on your bedside table?
Oh shit, here we go...

'Night Mare' by Piers Anthony - Doug Clark's
'Anne of Green Gables' by Lucy Maud Montgomery
'Tess of the D'Urbervilles' by Thomas Hardy
'Mind of the Raven' by Bernd Heinrich
'Moll Flanders' by Daniel Defoe
'The Hobbit' by J.R.R. Tolkien
'The Prince' by Machiavelli
'The Sea Scout Manual' (Boy Scouts of America book) - Dad's
'Creative Visualization' by Shakti Gawain
'Covencraft' by Amber K
'The Chalice and the Blade' by Riane Eisler
'An Introduction to Geology' (8 Talks for CBC Radio)
'Wicked' by Gregory Maguire - Joe Buist's
'Vinyl Cafe Unplugged' by Stuart MacLean - Pixie's
'Stories From the Vinyl Cafe' by Stuart MacLean - Pixie's
'Ancient Times - A History of the World' by James Henry Breasted - Dad's

explanation: I have books overflowing my headboard and stacked by my bed. I am in various states of reading these books, and/or planning to read some and have not yet started. Basically, when I want to read, I just grab something from the piles at random.

4. What was the last book you lent someone?
'Fight Club' by Chuck Palahniuk - lent it to Ed.

Others: Rico's got at least one book of mine ('Raven's End' by Ben Garr), Krystal has 'Mists of Avalon' by Marion Zimmer Bradley, and Liam has an assload of my books, damn you! >:E

5. What was the last book you lent out that someone brought back to you?
uhm... I don't remember...

6. What book do you have loaner copies of, solely for the purpose of foisting it on unsuspecting friends and relatives?
uhm... I don't know if I have any loaner *copies*, I just lend my originals...

2003-04-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

listening to: Swirly Girl Channel (live365 station)

Ok, yesterday was messed. I was hanging out with Chris and Ed for a bit, then Ed and I went to Mom and Dad's so I could get some stuff (potting soil, film cannisters, lotto paper to draw on (yeah, to draw on), and a box of A&W root beer). I found a nifty rock. Then we stopped by the beach in Stratford to see if we could get the tree stump I want out of the ground. Sadly... we cannot. Not yet, anyhow.

Uhm... as for the rest of last night... returned 'Count of Monte Cristo' (love that movie!) to Jumbo, and we went looking downtown for Pixie even though we knew exactly where she was and couldn't go there. Then I made an ass of myself... first I stumbled up the steps of Lightning Bolt, nearly stumbling into the street. Then I got really excited because I saw Greg (my medium half and half guy) drive by and in my jubilation of seeing someone I know I dropped my clove on the ground. I swore, picked it up, handed it to Ed, and promptly sat down on the sidewalk and began to laugh uncontrollably. But then I was ok. If I had of seen myself last night I may have pissed myself laughing.

Then somehow... we ended up at CORY WISENER'S house hanging out with him and his dad. *brain blows up* If there's one thing I can say, I was right when I told Sean that karma would bitchsmack Cory. He's had a really shitty past 3 years, and he's grown up a lot because of it. It's interesting.

Then we came back to find John and Doug here, partying. So we partied too, then went out for food (McD's for John and Doug, Ed and I went to J.R.'s and saw AJ). Then it was back home, more partying, and I fell asleep watching 'The Crow' with my legs propped on Ed, and Doug making funny noises in the recliner.

Today is very bright out!

Today I'm going to Ritchie's to spend my $25 gift certificate, picking up some cloves at Superstore, cashing my Robin's cheque, and doing massive loads of laundry and dishes, not necessarily in that order.

I'M GOING TO PAINT TODAY TOO.

I need to paint some magnets for Happy Red's, and I got a bunch of little stones outside yesterday that I'm going to paint to look like little bugs.

I may get my beginner's license too.

*pauses*

*watches everyone run away screaming for dear life*

I promise I won't drink my yum when I drive. I made yum last night. You take whatever Fluid you have left, in my case, about 1/4 of a one litre bottle. Then you add a can of Jolt Cola, and a few drops of honey for good measure. Shake, and enjoy.

I need to get my yum back. I left it in Ed's car last night.

2003-04-01T03:11:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Somewhere I Belong' by Linkin Park, 'Numb' by Linkin Park

Just to let those non LJers know what happened, here is a cut and paste of the 2 entries from the past few days:

(Sunday March 30th)
10:18 pm - It's over
Chris and I broke up tonight. It was mutual, and we handled it like adults, for the most part. We don't hate each other. He's moving back to his parents' place tomorrow. That's all.

(Monday March 31st)
1:01 pm - What happened.
Well, Chris and Stephen got home from cleaning Froggie's, and Chris was very upset. Stephen had been talking to him about Sean. Now, I'm not angry at Stephen about this... he saw what it was doing to me and to Chris both and did what he thought was best. In any case, we yelled at each other for a bit, then we calmed down somewhat and began to talk.

He told me that it was up to me whether or not he left, but to keep in mind that if I contact Sean at all when I go to Halifax, he was gone. Not go to Sean to be with him, just to go for a coffee or phone him to talk. I told him that I was indeed going to see Sean. Things got bad for a minute, and nasty things were said about my friends (many of you included), but then it got not so bad.

I was crying by now (although I wasn't messed up, I was still very calm). We discussed how we've both been feeling like shit and how all we do is fight. Though it hurt us both, it was decided that what was best for the both of us at this point in our lives is not to be together. We held each other for awhile, and then I talked to matai while he packed up his things. Then we watched a movie with Stephen and I fell asleep.

I got woken up this morning by the phone (which hasn't stopped ringing). It was Laura, and I talked to her for an hour or so. I've also spoken to Mom and Dad each today, and Jeff (he's going to see if he can get out of his lease early). If Jeff can get out of his lease, he's going to move in with me. I don't think John will be here much longer, he can barely manage his bills now, let alone with Chris leaving. However, if Jeff can't get out of his lease, I may move back home. If that happens, I'm going to save my money and move to Halifax.

Though Sean is in Halifax, it's not the most important or only reason I want to go. I need a change. I want to meet myself again.

Anyhow. I have to get ready for work. I'll write again later.

Just to let you all know that I'm ok. I'm not messed up or anything, and I'll be fine. *hugs you all*

2003-04-01T02:47:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Somewhere I Belong' by Linkin Park, 'Numb' by Linkin Park

Everyone should go out and buy Meteora, the new LP album. I'm going to, as soon as I get the money (or better yet, I'll put it on my birthday list! YEAH!). It's really that good. Especially the 2 songs I'm listening to now.

I'm going to Halifax for the day with Ed and Renee. I'll be back tonight with posty goodness.

2003-03-31T06:45:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Somewhere I Belong' by Linkin Park

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING

Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

2003-03-30T13:18:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'A Place for My Head' by Linkin Park, 'Forsaken' by David Draiman

1) If you could name yourself what would your name be? I'd keep this one, or change my first name to Brana
2) Favorite Day of the year: Any day has the potential to be a favorite
3) Favorite Day of the week: Wednesday
4) Favorite Color: Muted rainbows
5) Song that describes how you feel about your life: 'The Mystic's Dream' by Loreena McKennitt
6) The person that you hate the most: Myself at times
7) Favorite Word: *cackling* (a sound, not a word)
8) 3 qualities in a person that you find attractive: Intelligence, independence, sense of humor
9) Most Annoying Celebrity that you wish would go away: Britney Spears
10) The song that makes you turn off the radio every time you hear it: Anything by Avril Lavinge
11) If you could be anyone or anything, what would you be? Me
12) What is the stupidest thing you have ever said? "Canada! Where the liquor flows like wine!"
13) One thing you like about yourself: My perfectly preserved inner child
14) Favorite thing to wear: Jeans
15) You can listen to any kind of music but: Country and gospel
16) Most memorable year in your life: 1991-2... 4th grade with Sean
17) The thing that annoys you the most: Self righteous ignorance
18) A band that has no business making CDs: Any random boy band
19) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My cowardice
20) If you could have anything right now, what would it be? Sean
21) Longest relationship: If you count the mangle with Sean, romantically and not as friends... 7 years, off and on
22) Does true love last forever? Absolutely
23) What's in your car? pfft... cars
24) About how many CD's do you own? Not enough
25) If you were to kill yourself, how would you do it? I wouldn't. Someone else would kill me, violently.
26) What would you do for a thousand dollars? Depends on how badly I needed it
27) One word to describe yourself: Silly
28) Favorite Food: Pasta
29) One person you wish you could have sex with: Christopher Lee, circa 1960-1970
30) Three things you fear the most: Really deep water, missing my chance, my own happiness
31) Movie that you could watch a hundred times: 'The Crow'
32) Emotion to describe the way you feel about life: Ambiguous
33) Random Word: grar!
34) How many times have you fallen in love? 3
35) How many relationships have you ended? 2
36) Stereotypes people make about you: That I don't know what I want, that I'm immature
37) Would you rather talk about someone behind their back or to their face? Both
38) If you could eliminate one thing wrong with the world, what would it be? George W. Bush
39) Piercings? One in each ear, my right eyebrow
40) If you could runaway right now, where would you go? Halifax
41) Favorite place to shop: Value Village, The Reading Well, Little Mysteries
42) People who don't understand you: Chris (all the time), my family (at times)
43) Would you rather be different or like everyone else? Different, like I am
45) Favorite toy you had when you were younger: I liked to play with rocks
46) If your life were a CD, what would be the title of it? Dandelion Fluff
47) Something you can't understand no matter how hard you try to: Life
49) If you could take a picture of something right now, what would it be? My aura
50) Favorite website: http://digital.library.upenn.edu/books/ lots o'reading there.
51) One thing you shouldn't do, but do it anyways: Pick skin from my fingers

2003-03-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'The Best Things' by Filter

I need some photos of me. I have no recent photos of me, and the ones I do are studio pics from Sears. I need someone to take photos of me, please. To capture me as they see me. I'm more than happy to provide film and pay the processing cost of this venture. Will anyone do this for me? Please?

2003-03-28T16:05:00.000-08:00

listening to: nothing

How do you tell someone that you've changed? Changed so drastically that they wouldn't even recognize the person they thought they knew... and is now capable of crushing them, destroying their lives? Inevitable destruction, as much as you try to fight it, to mask it, to suppress it. It bubbles to the surface like a tar pond, reeking. They know it's coming... they can smell it coming from far off. They've just deluded themselves into thinking it was the dump a few miles down.

How do you warn them before it's too late? Or are all destined to perish in the ensuing blaze and collapse of the structurally unsound buildings? Dust billowing out like the clouds they once floated on with you. And you. Knocking down the standing rubble. It had to be done, but already plans of another. when you don't even know if you'll be allowed onsite

How do you put yourself through that kind of pain? Through their pain? Whether it has to be done or not... what if you're too scared to make the call?

2003-03-24T20:50:00.000-08:00

listening to: another favorite Live365 station called 'Internet Oasis'... my kinda stuff

hee hee. I can't wait for tomorrow. I'm getting Ed his birthday gift... very early, but I can't wait, and he doesn't mind. He's never read the Wheel of Time series, so I'm going to get him 'Eye of the World' and possibly 'The Great Hunt' as well, depending on how expensive they are. Damn. I'm going to have to reread these. I was halfway through 'Lord of Chaos' whence last I was reading one, and that was 2 years ago. Damn.

I also go to a pagan meet and greet tomorrow night! yay!

I had a great time at work tonight. I was workng with Krystal, who's supercool. We made lotsa tips, even though it was DEAD AS FUCK. I mean, we lazed about for 5 hours because we had all the cleaning done by 5:30. Todd was impressed. heh. So we sat and talked, read the paper and my magazine I brought (Bitch), and hung out with the regulars. It was funfun.

All in all, it's been a good night, and it should be a good next few days. I'm going to listen to this station whilst I dl far too many objects for the Sims and drink my tea. (Ed and Chris may have gotten me hooked on Morse's Orange Pekoe. Damn them both). yay for yayness

2003-03-24T06:52:00.000-08:00

listening to: still nothing (gasp! gasp!)

I rented 4 movies last night. For once, I didn't take Chris and Stephen into consideration while I was doing it (confirmed by the groans of "Wtf are these shitty movies?" when I got home, heh). I got 'Birthday Girl', 'Iris' (which I still haven't seen all the way through), 'Vanilla Sky' (which I haven't seen and have been threatened with bodily harm to watch it), and 'Moulin Rouge' (I was grasping for another dvd since 'Onegin' was out, and Rico said I'd like it).

I'm going to go watch one or two right now before I go to work at 3.

2003-03-24T06:40:00.000-08:00

listening to: nothing (gasp!)

You are Aviendha of the Nine Valley Sept of Taardad
Aiel! Yer kinda violent, but you are cool. One
kick-butt person. Heh. You are Elayne's first
sister and are in love with Rand al'Thor for
some reason.

Which Wheel of Time girl are you?
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Goddess of Chaos

What Kind of Goddess Are You?
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Viviane - Viviane is the Celtic Lady of the Lake
from medieval Britain. She is a Druid priestess and fought to preserve her tradition from th invading new religion of Christianity. She made an alliance with King Arthur, and gave him Excalibur to seal their alliance. She was murdered by a maddened knight when she went to Camelot to demand Arthur's protection for Avalon.

Who's your inner pagan goddess?
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2003-03-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Possession' by Sarah McLachlan

I've decided not to leave to Tories. I mean, what's the point of that? The whole purpose of getting involved in politics is to effect change, is it not? I know now I'm not the only one (politics or not) against this war, and that makes me feel a little better. I'm going to stay in the Tories and be one of the "left wing pinkos" that supports peaceful strategies and the UN. Bring 'em on. >:P

2003-03-20T03:16:00.000-08:00

listening to: the roaring anger in my head

I just got this from a list I'm on.

Here are the lyrics to a new song by Country Artist Darryl Worley. Please forward it to anyone you know how, as the song would suggest, has forgotten.

The song in realaudio: http://media.darrylworley.com/hyf01.ram
The song in Windows Media: http://media.darrylworley.com/hyf01.asx

I hear people saying we don't need this war
I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground?
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down
They say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start preaching
Let me ask you this my friend

Have you forgotten how it felt that day
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away?
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside
Going through a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

They took all the footage off my T.V.
Said it's too disturbing for you and me
It'll just breed anger that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it every day
Some say this country's just out looking for a fight
After 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right

Have you forgotten how it felt that day
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away?
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside
Going through a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war
And you can bet they remember
Just what they're fighting for

Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?
All the loved ones that we lost
And those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry about Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?

Would someone please tell me how the fuck what happpened on 9/11 justifies what the US is going to do in Iraq?!

2003-03-20T03:08:00.000-08:00

listening to: CBC News in the other room

Am I the only one against this war? Sometimes I feel like it... I know I'm not, Rico is against it. John is against it now (I think). I don't know about Chris. Stephen doesn't care one way or another... how can he not care? Why is it so hard for some people (and this is not just at Stephen, but the world in general) to see that this war is wrong?

I'm quite upset about it. My political views I've had since I was little are being torn apart. I've been a proud Progressive Conservative since birth. Joe Clark was and prolly always will be one of my favorite politicians. But I think now may be the time for me to leave the Tories. Judging by the pcyf-talk listserv, I'm a minority in my opinion about this war. That frightens me. And frankly, I don't want to be part of a group that advocates the slaughter of millions of innocent people. That's what it is. Bush goes on about Saddam Hussein, but it's the same thing as Afghanistan and Osama Bin Laden. In both cases, he's after one person, but who's getting killed? Exactly. Now, I know that people will go on about how we're under threat from Saddam, but I haven't seen anyone make a reasonable case against it yet.

I don't know. I want to do something, but I don't know what. If I can get an old sheet, I'll paint 'NO WAR' on it and hang it on my balcony. I don't want to go to the peace rallies with Leo, because again, I don't agree with them. I know, how can I do that? Well, I'm just not as (and I know I'll get flak here) extremist as Leo is.

I'm not making this post to cause controversy. I just want to say how utterly disgusted I am with the US right now. I could vomit, literally. And as much as it pains me to do it, I may leave the Tories. I mean, both the leading leadership candidates (Brison and MacKay) seem to be pro-war. The youth appears to be pro-war. And I can't be a part of that, I'm sorry. I can't sit and watch them tear apart Chretien for the one good thing he's done in office (Canada will not fight until the Security Council makes a resolution). And now some people are spouting off about the point of the UN and whether or not it should be dissolved!

This all seems so hopeless.

2003-03-16T08:14:00.000-08:00

listening to: the bingo #s on pogo.com

What month should you have been born in?
this quiz was made by Erin

You should have been born in October! You love to chat, make friends and be the center of attention. You're sympathetic but you're also easily hurt. You daydream, are extremely opinionated and do not care of what others think of you. You're emotional, romantic and you love children. You love to travel, the outdoors and literature. You're just and fair, but easily influenced.

I'm updating from Mom and Dad's. I stayed out here last night.Things weren't too good the last couple of days. First off, Navi is fucked. Again. Chris and Stephen updated my video drivers, which fucked up Windows, requiring a reinstall. That destroyed all the mp3s and pics I had dled to Snuffy, my c: drive (including all the devart stuff I liked, inspiration for future pieces I was planning, my versions of 'She's Like the Swallow', pics of Cassie, etc). I was pissed, but didn't make a huge deal out of it, except that various things and programs were still fucked up. But Chris said it'd be ok, we'd format and reinstall this weekend. So I was about to burn Ed's cds on Friday. I was taking some of the mp3s I had on Snuffy to the shared folder, when Media Player started chugging. Then everything else started chugging. I was all like, ok, reboot time. Things go fine, 'til I go to put in my password and it doesn't accept it. Stephen and I thought that was kinda weird, so we waited until Chris got home. Chris flips out. He has no idea why it isn't working, blah blah blah. Skipping to the end, I have no working comp, because Chris decided to fuck around with it again. I didn't need my video drivers updated. Everything was fine. So why did they do it? To install Warcraft III, which I didn't give them permission to do. grrrr...

I did laundry last night... for free! yay. And ate some good, homecooked food and got to see Cassie and hung out with Laura. It's cool, how Laura and I are getting really close now that we're older and not living together. We're going to talk to each other more often and hang out more. We're going to the movies this week sometime, should be good.

I'll be going home sometime today, not sure when. Laura's coming out soon with Cassie, and Jeff's coming over too. I like spending time with my family. Right now though, I'm going to go eat because I'm hungry.

P.S. The elderberry trees out back have buds all over them. Soon, soon!

2003-03-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

listening to: my many versions of 'She's Like a Swallow'

She's Like the Swallow

She's like the swallow that flies so high,
She's like the river that never runs dry.
She's like the sunshine on the lee shore,
She loves her love but she'll love no more.

'Twas down in the meadow this fair maid bent
A-picking the primrose just as she went.
The more she picked and the more she pulled,
Until she gathered her apron full.

She climbed on yonder hill above
To give a rose unto her love.
She gave him one, she gave him three
She gave her heart for company.

And as they sat on yonder hill
His heart grew hard, so harder still.
He has two hearts instead of one.
She says, "Young man, what have you done?"

"How foolish, foolish you must be
To think I love no one but thee.
The world's not made for one alone,
I take delight in everyone."

She took her roses and made a bed,
A stony pillow for her head.
She lay her down, no more did say,
But let her roses fade away.

She's like the swallow that flies so high,
She's like the river that never runs dry,
She's like the sunshine on the lee shore,
She loves her love but she'll love no more

If there was ever a more beautiful song, or one I'd more like to have as a personal theme song... this is it. Go grab a copy of it somewhere, or listen to the midi.

2003-03-14T10:23:00.000-08:00

listening to: some ICP in the other room (from Stephen's comp, I think)

First off, ICP is growing on me. The horrors. Blame Chris and Stephen, it's all they listen to.

Second off, I'm ok. As some of you know, I went to the hospital yesterday to get some help because I was really messed up. I wasn't admitted to Unit 9 (thankfully), but I've been put into counselling, which is good. My first appointment is on Monday afternoon. The whole experience was an eye opener, especially as to how many people give a damn about me (including those who had no way of knowing I went, yet had heard from word of mouth! mindboggling).

Lastly, my brother is thinking about wanting to move in with us! Great googily moogily! His lease is up in September and he's been lusting after this apartment since he first saw it. Plus, you know, it's got Henri. I mean, c'mon. Given the chance, every one of you would move in with me, simply to be closer to Henri. He rocks our world. I'm going to scan a nifty pic of Henri in a bit to show you all who haven't met him yet (but will eventually fall prey to his charms).

Hummus is good. Especially homemade hummus that my mom and I made. It's very good. She says I'm like a bull in a china shop when it comes to cooking (as I spilled the lemon juice, lost the cap for the olive oil, nearly cut my hand open chopping garlic, etc etc etc while we made the hummus). She and Dad find my attempts at cooking quite funny indeed. They do not argue with my muffins, however. My dandelion blueberry muffins kick fucking ass. So much so that I'm going to make some this afternoon. Well, they won't be muffins, since I don't have a muffin pan. I'm going to make it in a casserole dish, so I guess it'll be dandelion blueberry muffincake. But it'll be yummy too. Nyah.

I found my Popple at Mom and Dad's house! He's pink and blue and orange and green with some yellow and he's sitting on top of my 7 day candle looking very ominous indeed, like he might take over the world. Beware the Popple.

Now to go start the muffincake and Ed's cds (he's freaking because I'm burning all my Loreena McKennitt, Ceredwen, celtic, and early 90s mp3s for him. He says I rock like no one has rocked before). And remember. Beware the Popple.

2003-03-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Sitar and Violin Duet'

I've started a LiveJournal. It's not going to take precedence over this one, or vice-versa. I'm still going to be posting to both on a fairly regular basis. Just the LJ will have the private rants and etc that for some reason or another would be not so good for me to post here. Thus, the LJ is friends-only. If you would like to read it, get an LJ and msg me, we'll see what we can do. Now, back to our regularly scheduled update!

Not much other than that. I start yoga this week. I bought my mat last night at Winners.They had 3 colors: orange, yellow, and a pink one with orange Hawaiian flowers. Guess which one I got? Yup! The flowers are funky. It's a great mat, I can't wait to start classes. heh... Ed wants my mat. He says it's be great for sleeping on when you're camping.

I really, really, REALLY want to start bellydancing classes soon too. Pixie and I are going together, whenever they begin. I can't wait! She was showing me some moves yesterday and I loved it.

Well, I have to go call Rico and get dressed and such. Plus, see the look on Chris's face when Stephen's rogue cell phone wakes him up... again. BWAHAHAHA.

2003-03-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

listening to: Pixie giggle about a joke she's about to pull

SIP: Sin-In-Pants. You are John Chrichton, and you
kick ASS! Though the people around you may not
understand anything you say, it's all right
because your're the man with the plan. Plus,
nobody looks better in leather.

Who the FRELL are you? A Farscape Personality Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

listening to: the weather outside

Eowyn

If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Eowyn, Woman of Rohan, niece of King Theoden and sister of Eomer.

In the movie, I am played by Miranda Otto.

Who would you be?
Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

Rock. Eowyn rules. Yes, CP, I realize I said she was a manstealing whoreslut. But that was based on solely seeing her in the trailer, in which she does appear to be a manstealing whoreslut. But now I've seen TTT and know that she isn't. Also, comparing her and Arwen. Eowyn rocks. Arwen sucks. I mean, all the cool things that Arwen did in Fellowship she didn't really do, not in the book. According to you, Eowyn indeed does do all her cool stuff. So there. You are right. Relish this.

2003-03-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

listening to: Stephen, Chris and Ed talk in the other room

Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with. Thank you.

2003-03-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'When I'm Gone' by 3 Doors Down

I'm stealing this from Nadya's website, even though only Rico, Pixie and Nick will prolly reply to it. :/ Everyone who comes here, please comment on this entry with your responses.

I ____ Kit.
Kit is ____.
If I were alone in a room with Kit, I would _______.
I think Kit should _____.
Kit needs ______.
I want to _________ Kit.

Someday Kit will _____.
Kit reminds me of _____.
Without Kit _____.
Memories of Kit are _____.
Kit can be _____.
I would describe meeting Kit as _____.
Worst thing about Kit is _____.
Best thing about Kit is _____.
I am _____ with Kit .

2003-03-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'The Riders of Rohan' from TTT soundtrack

I had an interesting night last night. Got to know Chris and Stephen better. It was all good, and it helped some of the problems between Chris and I. I mean, I'm still in love with Sean, but I'm not as blinded to Chris now. And I told him about wanting to hire the PI to find Sean. He doesn't like it, but he understands and says we'll do it as soon as we have some money.

I really, really love this song. I like the strings section, especially for the 'theme for Rohan' part that plays when Eowyn steps out onto the ledge in the film, and when Theoden becomes himself again.

I'm getting a bunch of stuff from Stephen. A working copy of Dungeon Siege (since my cd won't work anymore ><), The Sims, Sims: Living Large, possibly Sims: Vacation, widescreen divx of 'Fight Club' (YAY!), he's dling me 'American History X' from a private ftp he's got access to, as well as 'Gross Pointe Blank' and 'Vanilla Sky'.

Chris has a 2nd interview today at Greco in Stratford. hopehopehope. He also has one tomorrow at Sobey's in Stratford. And he's getting $475 combined back from taxes and gst. Seems like our money problem may not be much of a problem anymore. We're still having some problems in the apartment though, *cough*. That may be fixed soon though, as we have 2 possibilities lined up for roommates. tinycircle will find out more about this tonight.

Ok, I'm off to go watch Fellowshup extended version, because I STILL haven't seen it yet. Seeyas later.

2003-03-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

listening to: HobbitJedi's SciFantasy station

Ok, so I could go to Halifax tomorrow if I had money, but I don't. :P

Ate, watched 'Wokring Girl'. Did you know David Duchovony played an extra as one of Tess's party guests in this 80's flick? The things you can learn from watching the credits.

And Chris and I fought. That's all we seem to do anymore. He won't apply anywhere... I've given him a deadline, he has (now) 2 and a half weeks to find a job or else find a new place. Apparently my asking him to go find work is a constant nag and makes him not want to. Sorry, but I have bills to pay and so do you. In fact, because I've been paying YOUR bills, my bills (like my credit card) have gone the wayside.

Aside from the job/money thing, we still fight. Over anything and everything it seems. Is it all my fault? It feels like it is. Am I just making excuses for justifying how I feel for Sean? Is Chris being a lazy ass? I don't know. I had a lot to say on this, but I can't think right now. I'll post after.

2003-03-02T11:57:00.000-08:00

listening to: HobbitJedi's SciFantasy station

Which member of the Homestar Runner gang are you?

Unnhh... work today sucked. Krista and/or Todd forgot to schedule someone for the power shift that goes until 1. Hencely, Trudy and I were by ourselves. On a Sunday. At lunch. I was on drive-thru, and Trudy was doing counter. My line was backed up to the road, Trudy's was to the door. It's a good thing Todd and Janine happened to stop by and help out, otherwise bad things would have happened all around.

My back is killing me, and it's shifty when I sit down. I'm starving to the point where it hurts (but I'm getting pasketti in a minute, so it all works out there). I'm tired. But it's ok. I've been rewarded. I don't work until Wednesday at 3!!!!!! Bliss.

omg. I could go to Halifax tomorrow if I had money. *ponders*

omg. I got a Set For Life scratch ticket. I may have money. *ponders*

Post again in a bit, after I've eaten and scratched the ticket. In the meantime, laugh at me because I got the Cheat on the Homestarr Runner quiz (I'm not as cool as Rico with her Strong Bad results), and go listen to HobbitJedi's station. Links have been added - use them.

2003-03-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Across the Stars' from Attack of the Clones (Anakin + Padme's theme)

My back feels really weird... all shifty and stuff. It's only felt like this a couple of times, most of which were in ritual and once was the first time I got blasted on pot last month.

Chris's mom may be hiring me to build her a website. Ironic, her money will be paying the PI to find Sean.

Today was fun. Was crazy at work (fighting with Randi in between orders is fun... go go Fight Club for changing lives). Hung out with Ed and played games with him and Chris. Before that, Ed and I saw Marion at work and she gave us these long heavy duty cardboard tubes the fabric gets rolled on. We're going to use them as makeshift boffers, minus the padding and beat each other with them. YAY!

I'm up too late again tonight... erk... I should go to bed.

2003-03-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

listening to: Chris and Ed frag each other in 'Unreal Championship' on the Xbox Ed rented

David Fincher: You look normal but when your
thoughts are visualized it is soon realized
that you are the anti-christ.

What director are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

wocka.

2003-02-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'The Fragile' album by NIN (current song: 'I'm Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally')

Tomorrow I'm going to continue writing to you, Sean. You sustain me. I'm getting to that point again... the breaking point like I was at Halloween. This time I can hold off though. I will wait until I can find you. And then everything will smash to bits.

2003-02-28T10:12:00.000-08:00

listening to the banter - I'm at Comic Hunter

ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? Chris
2. What is your weapon of choice? My dagger, a bow and arrows
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Hell yeah
4. How about of the same sex? Hell yeah
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Chris
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I keep grudges

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Change/scoop the kitty litter
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 5pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: Sean
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "I was putting the rack away." (excuse for not waiting on a creepy cabbie)
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? Yeah, for a food dehydrator. I wanted to get it, but I was 13 and had no money
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? Last SCA feast... boffering is good
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? None

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Chai
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? White
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 3 vodka slings at Dooly's
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? No
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Sweet foods
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH?" LOL... not yet

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? 3
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family? 3
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Yes
4. Have you "done it"? Yes
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Eyes
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Yes
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Yes, for pregnancy

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? 1
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Tribes, Little Mysteries
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Pay Laura, Jeff and Cassie through college; pay off my debts; get Mom and Dad a new car; fix up Mom and Dad's house; build my own house; travel lots
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? No
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? A few hundred, plus +8 cds of just mp3s

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? My photos
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? My photos and my writing
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Living with no regrets
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Yes
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? No
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Purity tests, for a lower score
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? Furthered steps to find Sean

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? I don't want material things, I want their abilities and qualities
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Dunno
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? I want more tone and muscle definition
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Confidence
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? Yes
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Pride

FAITH
1. What religion do you follow? Paganism
2. What religion were you raised as? Anglican
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? Human
4. Do you believe in magic? Yes
5. What was the last promise you broke? Promising to empty and refill the dishwasher
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? Yes
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? No

HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? Sure
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? Contentment
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? Incessantly
4. Do you believe in magic? Yes
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? Yes
6. Do you gamble? Bingo scratch tickets are my crutch
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? Yes

CHARITY
1. What causes do you support? Freedom of religion, anti-racism, environmental causes, women's rights, uhm... there's more
2. What causes have you given money or time to? Cancer Society and Diabetic Society
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? No
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel-inherent worldwide charity group? Yes
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? No
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? Yes
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? I don't know...

FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of? Lost chances
2. What did you do today that was really brave? walked in front of a car? Spent the day by myself to prove I could
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? UNTALKATIVE BUNNY
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? Yes
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? More heart
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? If so, when? Yes, when I'm on stage or have to present something/give a speech
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? I'm the sheepdog that chases them both around and nips at their feet

JUSTICE
1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? No
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? Pfft, find some way out of it
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? Eye for an eye
4. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? No
5. What was your favorite media circus trial? O.J. Simpson, as it's the only one I really remember
6. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? Yes, I wrote to John Crosbie in 3rd grade in a fight to save the whales. I got a bullshit letter in return. I was such a treehugger when I was little

TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? Impetousness
2. Do you collect anything? Rocks
3. Are you addicted to anything? Sean, Fluid
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? Yes
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? Cash
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do? Not take the chance with Sean when I had it
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? Yes

PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know? Rico
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? No
3. Do you take advice when it's given? Sometimes
4. What area are you wisest in? Craziness
5. Do you drive defensively? I drive people mad
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? Yes
7. What did you learn today? Back Alley Discs have great prices!
8. Finally, what is your favorite virtue? Hope

2003-02-28T03:57:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'The Fragile' album by NIN (current song: 'Even Deeper')

Underneath it all by Nine Inch Nails

all i do
i can still feel you

numb all through
i can still feel you
hear your call
underneath it all
kill my brain
yet you still remain
crucified
after all i've died
after all i've tried
you are still inside

all i do
i can still feel you

you remain
i am stained

2003-02-28T03:46:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'The Fragile' album by NIN (current song: 'We're In This Together Now')

Just a quick note before I go so I don't get eaten. First off, it's hard to type with this ring thing on my finger (I found it... I used to wear it and I'm starting to again), but I will master it.

I apologize for the lack of updates. Most of my spare time and writing energy is going into a long (very long) letter I'm writing to Sean. One I thought he'd never get to read, but if things go my way he might. I'm having a free consultation with an investigator today regarding finding Sean. HOPEHOPEHOPE. Everyone wish me luck! Granted, he won't be able to start work until next Friday when I pay him, but hopefully I can find him. I'm so excited! I'll have Sean in my life again! I'll be a whole person again! *cackles*

Ok... now I'm going to go. I have just enough time to find some tapes for the Walkman before I have to leave. Buhbye.

2003-02-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

listening to: I'm watching 'The Crow' in another window... yay for Chris's dvd-rom!

Nail clippers are my best friend.

2003-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Crawling' by Linkin Park, 'In the End' by Linkin Park, 'With You' by Linkin Park

He watched as she moved, drinking her in like a dying man. Which he was, in a sense. His soul ached for her... a breath, a glance, a whisper. He thought seeing her again might help, but it only agonized him further. I can't stop at just watching her, he realized, surprising himself. He shook his head, bewildered, and turned to watch her again. She should be off soon. Sure enough, she waved to her coworkers and was out the door. He lingered a few moments more. He didn't want her to know he was here... not yet.

My crazy, beautiful little butterfly. He smiled as he followed her down the street. She looked like a rainbow flashing in the wind, jingling show tunes from the keychains hanging off her bag. She'd always been like that. Different. Like him. But they fit. He remembered a story he had told her, years ago when they were still kids.

When a shooting star flies through the sky, it breaks into two. Those pieces fall to different places on the earth and become two halves of the same soul. He spoke quietly to her. When the two halves meet again, they become one and their love shines as the star does.

"And when the star is seperated," he murmured dismally, "the halves burn like a raging fire, threatening to consume the mind, the heart, even themselves." He sighed, leaning against a wall for a smoke. She was still about a half block away, talking to one of her friends and gesturing wildly. And very nearly taking someone's eye out, he chuckled. The time would come. Soon. They had been seperated for years. He could wait... until the time was right.

-------------------

She flurried about trying to make the drinks. It had been busy as hell that day. Who would have thought there would be so many people wanting coffee in the middle of July? Finally, it was over. She waved to all and in a flash had changed to her streetclothes, and was out in the sun.

Fuck, I'm late! a voice screamed in her head as she rushed to meet her friend waiting on the corner. "Sorry..." she apologized. Her friend didn't say anything. After they had walked a piece, she finally spoke. "It's back, isn't it?"

"Yes." She stopped and turned to look at her friend. "It's not just that though. I mean, he always here in my head, but this is different. He's everywhere now, from that sign to this rock to the very air we're breathing. I can feel his energy all around me."

She could feel it still, pressing in around her. Her head swam with the intensity of it, of him. She wavered on her feet and sat down quickly. I just want him here with me. As a person, not a spectre of the past, she thought to herself.

"But you're with someone." Her friend surprised her - she hadn't realized how apparent her emotions were. She hoped no one else had noticed. "I'm know. But as time goes on, it becomes glaringly obvious that I'm meant to be with him, be it in this life or the next." Determined, she got to her feet, acutely aware of each fibre of her being crying out for him.

-------------------

He sat in the shadows of the night, trying to glimpse her amonst the rest of the people in her apartment. He knew it had to happen tonight - and he knew now that she needed him as much as he needed her. There! The crowd parted as she left the gathering to the solitude of the balcony. Her form silhouetted in the light made his breath catch in his throat. He turned away then, to avoid the sight of the man behind her. Embracing her. Leading her back into the party and out of his life.

His hands balled into fists at his side as he spat the bile from his mouth. He didn't care who the man was. He hated him already. His rage darkened his vision in the already black night... welling up inside of him until he could bear it no more. With a cry, he began punching the brick wall behind him with all of his might...

He smiled. Calm. It was such a rare sensation, he coveted it. He sat atop the fence, holding his numbed hands in his lap as the blood slowly dripped to the ground. He knew this place well - it was their old stomping ground from when they were kids. He settled in, letting the memories wash over him, overtaking him until he was little more than a shell. That is, until he saw her coming down the steps of her apartment building and head towards the playground. With a start, the spell was broken... and another one began anew.

-------------------

She sighed to herself, wishing she were elsewhere, far, far away. It was odd, usually she jumped at the chance to be with her friends. But tonight she wanted to be alone. She just wasn't in the mood. Probably because I'm the only one not drunk or high right now, she noted, watching people stumble over each other.

She jumped off the couch as one of them fell towards her. Grumbing, she headed for the balcony. Sliding the door back, she immediately took notice of the moon, or lack thereof. "Playing hide and seek with me, are you?" she whispered.

"You're it." a voice slurred. She closed her eyes and opened them to see the man she loved. "You're drunk." she stated. "I know... I love you." He hugged her tightly and nuzzled her cheek. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I'd give anything not to feel like this... torn forever between my future and my past. she thought as she looked at him. A strange expression formed on his face.

"Umm..." he stammered. "What is it?" she asked him. "I don't feel so good..." he groaned. She sighed and helped him back inside where he collapsed onto the closest chair they found. She shook her head and looked around. Everyone is either crashing or burning, she thought. Might as well join the fun. She grabbed a bottle of wine and headed out the door. Maybe some time on the swings would help. She'd always liked the playground. It's where she felt him the strongest, where they'd spend the most time together. It was the perfect place to go.

-------------------

He flattened himself against the fence, not wanting her to see him. Crouching in the shadows, he watched as she made her way to the swings. Something's wrong. He knew her better than he knew himself. She was drinking from a bottle of wine and spinning her swing in circles. She was so beautiful, even when she was upset. He could hardly breathe... it had to be now or it would be never.

Slowly, he stood up. Her back was to him. She was hunched over and her shoulders were shaking. He tried to go to her, to comfort her, but his legs were like lead. Damn it! he swore at himself. She's sitting right there. She's all you've ever wanted and she's all you'll ever need. Either you go tell her that or you go end it all, because she'll never leave your head. And you will never be whole again.

With a lurch, he began to move forward again. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. He felt like he was underwater. She was in arm's reach now. Oh god, I could touch her. He reached out, his hand inches away from her back. With a deep breath, he inhaled her scent. A name came to him then, from the depths of his mind. He'd never heard it before... it wasn't hers, but it seemed to fit. "Brana?" He laid his hand on her shoulder and came home.

-------------------

She took a swig of wine as she settled into the swing. She didn't know what to do anymore. He was taking over her mind. It wasn't the wine. If anything, alcohol and drugs seemed to numb him out slightly.

She spun aimlessly on the swing. Suddenly, she was overcome by hopelessness. There really isn't anything I can do... she realized, tears streaming down her face. And I don't know how much longer I can handle this. She didn't want to die, that wouldn't solve anything. Then again, neither would much else.

She attacked her hands, ripping the skin from her fingertips. It didn't hurt, but instead gave her a sense of calm - her eye in the middle of the storm. Sucking the blood off, she began to shake. He felt so close. Her mind was closing in on her. She felt delerious, like she would either go truly mad or die right there.

And with that, she heard a deep voice from behind her. "Brana?" Her heart froze and she felt her body jolt. Only two males knew her true name, and neither were on this plane of existance. Oh my gods... She felt a hand on her shoulder. The bottle dropped from her hand and smashed to the ground. She slowly turned around and faced her destiny.

-------------------

"And when the two halves meet again, they become one."

2003-02-22T09:23:00.000-08:00

listening to: a bunch of Rabbit in the Moon stuff I just dled

Ok, I need some technical help, specifically from Rico, since she's hosting her blog elsewhere then blogspot. I'm trying to switch from blogspot to artists-in-residence.net (where Kitspace is hosted). I've done everything Blogger's told me to, all the required settings have been set, the mind-fog.html file and the archives are on the server they should be. The problem is, they are not loading. When I try to load them, it says they don't exist. It's breaking my mind... help?

2003-02-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

listening to: a great song... the mp3 title I dled is 'Acid Jazz - Rabbit in the Moon (ak 1200's Epic Lounge Mix)'

I have until Friday to do my portfolio! I procrastinate too much! ACK!

2003-02-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

listening to: a great song... the mp3 title I dled is 'Acid Jazz - Rabbit in the Moon (ak 1200's Epic Lounge Mix)'

1. Explain why you started to journal/blog.
I read Rico's and wanted to have something like it.

2. Do people you interact with day to day or family members know about your journal/blog? Why or why not?
Almost all of my friends know about it/read it. None of my family members do, because I haven't told them. I think if they read it, I wouldn't be the same to them anymore, and I like how I am with them. I don't want that to change because they find out the 'real me', so to speak.

3. Do you have a theme for your journal/blog?
Whatever I want to say, I say. Deal with it.

4. What direction would you like to have your journal/blog go in over the next year?
I'd like my posts to be better written.

5. Pimp five of your favorite journals/blogs.
Please refer to the list to your left.

2003-02-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

listening to: the guys (Chris, Charlie and Stephen) are watching 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'

Fuck, I fucking hurt... I feel grrreat! though. First off, I got my ass kicked at SCA on Saturday night. Doug literally whupped me, numerous times with the boffer axe. >< Then Ashley's bf(?) Graham accidently axed me in the face. I got him though (I think he's a little afraid of me now).

Then a few minutes ago, I went to look out the window and when I turned to go back to the couch, I plowed through Stephen's legs instead of stepping over them. Stephen promptly dove at me and we scuffled on the floor and couch (he wouldn't let go of my legs). So I grabbed his hair and wouldn't let go. :P I also ripped his glasses off and dug my fingers into his face, holding on to his nose. He couldn't pin me (almost did though). He claims he won, but Charlie says it was a tie. *does a victory dance* It was all in good fun. I like fighting, SCA and with my guy friends. I think 'Fight Club' changed me. It brought back a part of me that I forgot in my childhood. I was always fighting then... I spent most of grade 4 in the principal's office. Fighting is good, fighting is fun. It makes me happy to come out of a fight. I need to get 'Fight Club' on dvd and read the book. Go get in a fight.

2003-02-12T17:37:00.000-08:00

listening to: Chris threaten someone on his comm

Pink:
You see the world in bright pink. The world is a
happy, happy place! You love all people and
things!! Life is great! You're just like a
happy child. Spread the cheer.

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

listening to: Chris roll over on the bed

Look at my beautiful niece!

2003-02-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

listening to: the theme song for 'Tiny Planets' is in my head

SURVEY TIME!

1. Your name spelled backwards: haras (yes, funny, isn't it?)
2. Where were your parents born?: Dartmouth, NS for Dad, Lindsay Lake, NS for Mom
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: Pictures of cool clothes I want to make
4. What's your favourite restaurant?: Cafe Diem, Cedars, and the Harp & Thistle
5. Last time you swam in a pool?: Last August with Laura-Ann
6. Have you ever been in a school play?: Yes, Christmas Delivery in grade 5 and the Theatre Arts 701 variety show in grade 11
7. How many kids do you want?: 2, maybe 3
8. Type of music you dislike most?: Rap (the c in rap is silent)
9. Are you registered to vote?: Yes
10. Do you have cable?: No
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?: No
12. Ever prank call anybody?: Yes
13. Ever get a parking ticket?: No
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: No
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?: Moncton and Halifax (don't I suck)
16. Do you have a garden?: I'm going to as soon as I can get my seeds, a herb garden on the balcony
17. What's your favourite comic strip?: Real Life Comics
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?: Yes
19. Bath or shower, morning or night?: Shower, in the morning when the sun's shining in
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?: Lilo and Stitch
21. Favourite pizza topping?: Cheese and veggies
22. Crisps or popcorn?: I assume this means chips... chips with homemade dip
23. What colour lipstick do you usually wear?: Whatever color it is in my drawer, I dunno
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: WTF?
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: pfft, no
26. Orange juice or apple?: Apple juice
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?: Chris, at Harvest Fry Company in the Confed Mall. But we're going out tomorrow night with Bob, Carol and Carol's son
28. Favourite type of chocolate bar?: Caramilk, I think
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?: Last federal election. But I get to vote again soon! (new federal election plus new Tory party leader)
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?: Last summer
31. Have you ever won a trophy?: No
32. Are you a good cook?: HELL, no - I can bake though
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?: No
35. Sprite or 7-Up?: 7-Up (good for vodka slings)
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?: All the time
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?: A bingo scratch ticket ( didn't win) and a package of Wild Berry Skittles
38. Ever throw up in public?: Yes, on my principal in grade 6 after drinking 32 oz of a mix of Coke, diet Coke, orange, and some other pop on a field trip, than a hot bus ride back
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?: True love
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?: Yes
41. Ever call a 1-900 number?: Yes, to a celebrity gossip line when I was 12
42. Can exes be friends?: Yes
43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?: My sister and newborn niece
44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?: I don't think so
45. What message is on your answering machine?: Someone calling for John about student loans or something
46. What's your all-time favourite Saturday Night Live Character?: Sean Connery on Celebrity Jeopardy
47. What was the name of your first pet?: Buddy, he was a cat. I chased him around a lot
48. What is in your purse?: My wallet, hair clips, herbal tea, sketchbook and pens, blank notebook, Sharpies, a pair of chopsticks, band-aids, empty Crown Royale bottles (I found them, they're going to be painted), a piece of bendy wire I found walking across the bridge, a Granny Smith apple, Wild Berry Skittles, cranberry-rapsberry gum, cinnamon hearts and a fortune cookie
49. Favourite thing to do before bedtime?: Talk to Chris and pet Henri
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?: The breeze outside, the ability to watch Mr.Dressup since I have the day off

A-Z stuff...
[a] - 20
[b] - best friends: Chris, tinycircle, Stephen, Marion, Matthew
[c] - choice of meat: Chicken breast
[d] - dream date: Old Home Week exhibition with bracelets, then out to dinner on the Row, then watching the stars from the huge field in Victoria Park
[e] - exciting adventure: Victoria Park woods with tinycircle
[f] - favorite food: Pasta
[g] - greatest accomplishment: Being me when the world is not conducive to me being me
[h] - happiest day of your life: One was the night Chris and Aaron and I went to the Exhibition, others have been spending time with tinycircle, or lazy days with Chris
[i] - interests: Photography, playing UT, reading, watching movies, Christopher Lee, erotic dreams with Christopher Lee, drawing, painting, beaches, corvids, dreams, stones, faeries, rainbows and sparkles
[k] - kool-aid: The berry kind
[l] - love: Yes
[m] - most valued: Everyone I love
[n] - name: Sarah Mary Jane Himelman, Kennit (or Kit), Brana
[o] - outfit you love: My broomstick skirts. Anything with my broomstick skirts
[p] - pizza toppings: I answered this already
[q] - question asked to you the most: Why am I like this? (asked either to me about friends or about me)
[r] - radio station: CBC Radio Two (104.7 FM) or Big Dog (100.9 FM)
[s] - sport: Curling, archery, show jumping
[t] - television show: The Untalkative Bunny, Maggie and the Ferocious Beast, Mr. Dressup, Law and Order, Earth: Final Conflict
[u] - your favourite song: I have too many
[v] - video: Music - 'Voodoo' by Godsmack, movie - 'The Crow'
[w] - winter: Nice at first, but by February I want it to be May weather
[x] - xylophone: I love them!
[y] - year born: 1982
[z] - zodiac sign: Taurus

Do You ...

Smoke?: No
Do drugs?: Occasionally (pot)
Have sex?: Yes
Sleep with stuffed animals?: Yes
Live in the moment?: I try to, although I have a habit of living in the past. I want to break that habit
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yes
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Several
Play an instrument?: Not anymore :(
Believe there is life on other planets?: Yes
Remember your first love?: Yes
Still love him/her?: That's complicated
Read the newspaper?: The Guardian (headlines) and the Globe and Mail (all, except parts of the business section and sports)
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yes
Believe in miracles?: Yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Yes
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes
Consider love a mistake?: No
Like the taste of alcohol?: No. The only acoholic taste I can stand is a vodka sling
Have a favorite candy?: Pop Rocks, berry flavored
Believe in astrology?: Yes
Believe in magic?: Yes
Believe in God?: Several of them
Pray?: Yes
Go to church?: Only with my family on Christmas and Easter
Have any secrets?: Yes
Have any pets: Henri the Supercat!
Do well in school?: I can if I want to
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: No
Wear hats?: Sometimes
Have any piercings?: One in each earlobe, one in my right eyebrow
Have any tattoos?: Not yet, I want a single black feather on my right lower back
Hate yourself?: Sometimes
Have an obsession?: Sean (trying to break that one), Christopher Lee (get used to it)
Have a secret crush?: No
Collect anything?: Yes
Have a best friend?: Many
Wish on stars?: Yes
Like your handwriting?: Yes
Have any bad habits?: I tear skin off my fingers until I bleed
Care about looks?: Sometimes
Boy/girlfriend's looks?: Yes, Chris looks amazing
Friends and other people?: All of my friends are beautiful
Believe in witches?: lol, I am one, so yeah
Believe in Satan?: No
Believe in ghosts?: Of course

2003-02-10T12:16:00.000-08:00

listening to: Chris's computer fan

Ok, I've not been too happy these past couple of days. Let's just say it has to do with money, money being lended to people and not being paid back, and then lots of bills coming at once and stuggling to pay them. And the trip to Halifax is pretty much out of the question right now, as I have no money to pay for gas. ><

But other than that, I'm good. Got my new power supply with the money I did have left, though now XP is corrupt or something. If a Windows repair doesn't work, we'll just have to reinstall. No biggie.

Saw 'The Bourne Identity' last night (1 night rental, ack!). It was pretty good. It has whats-her-face in it, the chick from 'Run Lola Run'. I like her... although I suspect the reason for her being cast in TBI was her ability to swear in German. Watch the movie, you'll soon see what I mean. Also rented 'Kandahar', but I haven't seen that yet. It's a four day rental, so it's all good.

I got a Guardian for free today. o.O I walked out the door to go to work and there was a Guardian lying there. I thought maybe it had been delivered to the wrong door, but the usual Guardian doors had theirs. Meh. Crossword puzzles for me. I'd never subscribe to the Guardian. If there was one newspaper I'd subscribe to, it'd either be the Globe and Mail or the Daily News.

And... yeah. Not much else to say today. Walked over the Hillsborough Bridge for the first time in my life. Laughed at the pigeons. Yelled at the ducks. Threw chunks of ice into the water to see how far up I was. That's all. So goodbye for now, but not for long. I have valentines to give to you all irl.

2003-02-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Down in the Park' by Marilyn Manson and NIN is in my head

So, it's February. And of course, that means the annual computer problems that always seem to plague me in this month. Here's the dealio:

I got home last night, talked to Rico for a sec, checked my mail and people's blogs, etc. Left Diablo (classic!) running because Chris and Stephen were in the middle of a game. Left the comp.

Went and had a game of Settlers with Stephen, Chris and Ed. Eat food, talk, laugh, etc. Got hot, went to get a tshirt to wear over my tank, notice my comp's not running. I asked Stephen why he turned it off, he said he didn't. I try turning it back on. IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK.

Anyhow, enough of the play-by-play. There was a lot of dust in there (since it hadn't been cleaned out in awhile) and that may or may not have led to the problem. We don't even know what the problem is yet. The motherboard looks ok, but who knows. The processor (yes, the new one I just got) had melty bits on it from something. Chris originally thought it was the power supply (still could be), but he said everything's still getting a charge.

If it is the motherboard or processor, they're still under warranty so I get new ones. Watch them take 2 months to come in, as all my equipment has shipping problems and then manufacturing problems, etc. If it's the power supply, I have to shell out $50 I don't want to. Either way, it's a kick in the fucking pants.

Oh, and Ed may not be going to NS in March, and if he does it's only for 2 days. I'm hoping he's going to go, because I'll get a ride over with him and stay for 4 days like I want to, and just get the shuttle back home for $45-50. I want to see tulo, matai, CP, Scott, Sean, and aunt Flora and Nanny & Grampie Himelman. Plus go to Little Mysteries and Freak Lunchbox and go out and about and take lots of pictures.

grr... I had just installed Unreal Tournament too... I really, really, really wanted to play it today.

Well, to work in a bit. I need to go change into my uniform, grab what's left of my pizza for supper, and make sure I have a book to read (current: 'Night Mare' by Piers Anthony) - for some reason every time I work with Randi, it's dead. Seeyas later.

2003-02-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

1) First Grade Teacher: Mrs. Glover/Mr. Smith

2) Last word you said: "Thanks" - to Chris saying I could delete a msg on the machine

3) Last song you sang: 'Angel' by Massive Attack

4) Last person you hugged: Chris

5) Last thing you laughed at: Early this morning, at myself

6) Last time you said "I love you": To Chris 10 minutes ago

7) Last time you cried: Again, early this morning

8) What's in your CD player: 'Resident Evil' soundtrack

9) What color socks are you wearing: I'm not

10) What's under your bed: Bricks to hold the bed up, dust bunnies on the carpet

11) What time did you wake up today: 11:38 am

12) Current taste: Fudgebuster donut

13) Current hair: Down

14) Current clothes: Gray cords, blue plaid boxers, gray tank top

15) Current annoyance: Having to go to work when I want to sleep

16) Current longing: The Halifax trip

17) Current desktop picture: This drawing, modified slightly. I clonestamped the words out, and now it's my desktop. It reminds me of Riordan and I (though I never had blue hair).

18) Current worry: ehehehahahaha....

19) Current hate: myself

20) Story behind your LJ/DJ username: mind-fog was named after the monthly fogs I've gotten since high school

21) Current favorite article of clothing: My hoodie that I wear to work

22) Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex/same sex: Eyes

23) Last CD that you bought: 'Israel's Lost Tribes' cd

24) Favorite place to be: In the woods, at the beach/lake

25) Least favorite place: Subway, in Luis's presence

26) Time you wake up in the morning: Anywhere between 10am and 12pm

27) If you could play an instrument, what would it be: Bagpipes

28) Favorite color: Gray

29) Do you believe in an afterlife: Yes

30) How tall are you: 5'7"

31) Current favourite word/saying: We're dying since the day we're born.

32) Favorite book: 'Mists of Avalon' by Marion Zimmer Bradley

33) Favorite season: Late spring, in May

34) One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: I think you all know the answer to that one.

35) Favorite day: Wednesday

36) Where do you want to go: Ireland

37) What is your career going to be like: Something that makes me happy, prolly with art or photos

38) How many kids do you want: 2

39) What kind of car will you have: A VW Beetle, a VW Minibus, or some mutt of a rundown car that hardly runs

40) Identify some things surrounding your computer: Pencils, jewel cases, toothpicks, water bottle, necklaces, paper, crow feathers, tuna cans to be painted, elastics

2003-02-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

I think that last night/this morning was the first time I've ever posted how I feel during one of these attacks. I mean, I get them every few weeks, and I always get through them. I just never posted my way through them before.

I read back over them and to most people, they might seem scary. Just ignore them, I get them often and I'm still here, still fine (relatively speaking). So mentally delete the 3 posts between the song lyrics and the last post. I'd delete them, but I want to keep them there. I've never deleted posts in this blog, and I don't want to start. I tried keeping paper journals in high school, and I was always tearing pages out. I want to keep this so I can go back and see how and why I was the way I was. Not that it's important... I mean, I know tinycircle will read them, but they know I get through them every month. I don't know how many other of you read this... I know Devon does, and Shamus. Matt sometimes when he's bored at work. I don't think Matthew does, John doesn't, Chris doesn't... Nick does, and though I've never met him irl, I still consider him a friend. He seems to sympathize with what I'm going through.

Regardless. Don't worry about me. Ignore it.

2003-02-06T01:48:00.000-08:00

OK... it's 5:42am, and things are a bit better. I don't feel like dying now at least, just sleeping. Told you I'd look back on it all in disgust and such. Now, time to sleep or I'll be fucked tomorrow night at work.

Maybe things will work out... who knows. No one does, and no one will until after the trip. Until then, I need people to put up with my pathetic whining or something. I'm, slowly losing consciousness... must sleep. (Though I was right about one thing Rico... he waits for me there too). More tomorrow night. I doubt there will have been any comments, except maybe an odd one expressing concern or sympathy. meh. No one can help me. No one can do anything. No one but me and Sean. And that's why we're going to have the talk and... yeah... sleep.

2003-02-06T00:41:00.000-08:00

it's 4:30 in the morning. i haven't done what rico asked - no tea, no bath. i can't do anything. i'm been eaten up. tomorrow will be better, i'll look back on this with disgust and marvel at how i progressed overnight. but tomorrow night it will come again. he's calling me... and i have to answer. the lot of you can go to hell.

situation a:
sean and i are together. chris kills himself due to insecurities, low self-esteem, depression, and the loss of me, the one person he loved. i have blood on my hand yet again. i leave my family and friends. i go to live with sean. unknown...

situation b:
i dowse sean out with drugs. becoming a pothead would work... the pot the other night did drown him out. i lose money, friends, and possibly chris. in that case, situation b becomes situation a, only with a dependency.

situation c:
i check myself into the mental ward on a semi-permanent/permanent basis. i get sedated to numb my mind, thus freeing me from sean. ideally, i also get strapped into a strait jacket to help restrain me from clawing at myself.

situation d:
i kill myself. chris then kills himself for reasons stated above. sean is freed. or i kill sean, thus freeing me (unless his spirit hangs about, which means i need to die as well to end it, not to mention that killing him would be killing me). either way, blood on my hands again.

situation e:
unknown alternate ending to the yet-to-be meeting in halifax.

take your pick, ladies and gents! play wheel of fortune with my godsforsaken life.

i've only ever felt safe with riordan. too bad he's dead, his spirit's on another plane, and i can't see or hear him.

ed's right. we're dying from the day we're born. i just wish my time was up. rico's right. what's the point? what's the fucking point? why should i go on if all my life is going to be is one big neverending merry go round of doom and heartache? fuck it all

2003-02-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

I can only see this ending one of 3 ways. Either Sean and I are together, I become a drug addict to drown him out, or I check myself into Hillsborough Hospital to be sedated and strait-jacketed. The only other way to quiet, is death. Mine or his.

The first 3 are easier. I wouldn't be able to kill him without killing myself too.

I'd like to ask the fates what lesson I'm to be learning from ever constant torture, and what exactly he's supposed to be getting out of this. Are you getting the jollies? Do you think it's funny? That I can't live my life due to this? It's causing problems with my friends, and with Chris. It's getting to the point where I find it hard to think about anything else. WHY THE FUCKING HELL! PLEASE! ::cries:: godsdamnit

I want to know why... why us... why at all. this should be fun. if i get through the month intact (laugh), it'll be a miracle. then... we meet again. either we'll end up staying in this living hell, or... or i don't know what. i know one thing for sure. if this meeting doesn't go through, i am going to the hospital regardless. i can't take this, emotionally or mentally. it has to stop it has to stop it has to stop it has to stop

2003-02-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'With You' by Linkin Park

I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
Even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back

It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you

You / Now I see / Keeping everything inside
With you / Now I see / Even when I close my eyes

I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend that the past isn't real
Now I'm trapped in this memory
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
Even though you're close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back

It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you

You / Now I see / Keeping everything inside
With you / Now I see / Even when I close my eyes
With you / Now I see / Keeping everything inside
With you / Now I see / Even when I close my eyes

No, no matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No, no matter how far we've come I
I can't wait to see tomorrow
With you
You / Now I see / Keeping everything inside
With you / Now I see / Even when I close my eyes
With you / Now I see / Keeping everything inside
With you / Now I see / Even when I close my eyes

2003-02-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'Angel' by Massive Attack, 'In the End' by Linkin Park

My fingers are bleeding... I've torn a lot of the skin off, and there's blood all over my keys and my mouse. Blood tastes good.

I tried talking to Rosalind and Todd (a little) tonight about this situation with Sean. Rosalind understands and was trying to talk about it with me. Todd doesn't... Todd basically thinks it boils down to sex, when it's anything but.

There's another reason I want Matai there with me that I didn't admit to myself until tonight. I asked him to protect me, true... but I don't need protection from Sean (yes, he's on anti-psychotics and obsessed with me (as much as I am with him) and such). I need it from myself.

When I talk(ed) to Sean, I can literally feel my heart. I am physically aware of it. When I dream about him, hear his name being mentioned, anything like that, I get an electric jolt through my chest, and it overtakes me, I have to find him (in my dreams). If that's what I'm like hearing his voice or name, what will I be like in his presence? It'll be like comfort, like home. Like how I felt last time near him, all those years ago.

Gods, what if he touches me? If he puts his hand on mine, or hugs me? I will dissolve... I can't control myself near him... what I mean is this. I could control myself around him fine. But that was before Chris. If Sean asked me anything, it would take every fibre of my being I think to say no. hmm... perhaps I over-exaggerate, but not by much. If he were to ask me for a walk, I would say yes. If he were to ask for my soul, I'd laugh... he and Riordan already have me.

I'm scared. I'm scared of looking into his eyes and seeing me. His deep, blue eyes. He is so much a part of me, I can't... I don't know. I'm scared that when I look at him, everything else will fall away, taking me with it. But I have to see him... something has to happen.

2003-02-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

listening to: some game music that sounds vaguely like a combination between FF and Xenogears (at least to me), 'She Blinded Me With Science' by Thomas Dolby

Ok, my brain and heart are not in sync... one of them lied to me earlier. Sean is not gone, quite the contrary. ::sighs:: Rico agrees with me that something needs to be done. I need to find him, be it the easy way through his parents or the hard way through an investigator. Then when Ed, Chris and I (and maybe Pixie) go to Halifax in March, I will find him and talk to him. We have to talk, we have to see each other.

Rico at this point suggested that I not go alone, which makes sense, I guess. I've asked Matai to come with me. Chris can't, that would be bad all around. Ed can't, he was one of the guys who made Sean's life hell when we were growing up (and now he's a good friend of mine... the irony). Pixie, I don't know if she's coming or not yet. And out of all of them, I still want Matai. He's my brother (sorta), he's heard my side of all of this since high school. He said that he would protect me fiercely (should anything go awry), and that he's honored to be chosen. :) That makes us both very happy.

::sighs:: Time to gear up... I honestly don't know how I'm going to react to seeing him again, or vice versa. We've both gotten stuck in each other. And what confuses me is that even with everyone, this world and otherwise, telling me he's bad news, why it is that he feels so right. He feels like coming home. Why? Why do I feel so right around Sean? Is this what my life is going to amount to? Am I forever going to be revolving around this relationship, questioning things for the rest of my life?

2003-02-03T22:51:00.000-08:00

listening to: the 'Hannibal' soundtrack

Ok... I'm eating a pbj and am nicely done. I've pretty much found my limit now on the bong... no more 12 hits in a half hour shit. 2-3 and I'm good for awhile. Things of note:

- marijuana opens my chakras like a window blind to the world. It's great for practising astral work
- John and Chris are fucking funny to watch when they're stoned
- The 'Robin Williams Live on Broadway' special is great to watch when you're baked
- clove cigarettes are yummy

That is all

2003-02-03T16:21:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'In the End' by Linkin Park

The Wolf
You are protected by the great spirit of the Wolf;
a stalwart seeker of truth and justice and
adament hunter of those who oppress and
depress. You value truth and honor above all
else, protector of the innocent and defender of
the weak. Your quote: "All that is gold
does not glitter; not all those that wander are
lost"

What is your Inner Spirit Totem Animal?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'With You (live at Ozzfest)' by Linkin Park

...

This live version isn't as good as the album version. Still decent though, in a screamy angsty way.

2003-02-03T07:35:00.000-08:00

listening to: 'With You' by Linkin Park (fast becoming my new favorite song)

Today is a good day. It's my favorite kind of weather (wet and warm enough to not need a coat), I had a good morning at work (although busy, we were raped at drive through before I left). People are friendly, I'm in a mood to take photos, and we have enough money to pay the rent, thanks to an advance from Mom & Dad (I forgot to pay the phone bill last month apparently and thus we were short, but it's all good. At least it wasn't the electric bill - we get to keep our deposit, yay!)

I love the Island... I can see people I know on the street and call to them or talk to them... I can nod a hi at strangers driving by and they'll nod back. I'm in such a good mood! Which in itself is kind of weird because Chris is deep in depression again, Rico's feeling outsy, a guy some of my friends knew committed suicide yesterday and there was a bad car accident this morning near Happy Red's. Odd, that I always seem to be in a good mood in the presence of so much misery. o.O

Some things of note since the last update:

- I need someone to find me a download link for BlogThis! (I think CP may have it somewhere, dunno). Blogger won't load on my comp and I'd like to be able to update from my comp and not Chris's.

- It seems Apt.#10 is going back to school. Wacky. John might be applying for Journalism (he'd be *really* good in radio or tv, I think. He says he has a face for radio. -_-), Chris is applying for Culinary Arts, and I've decided I'm going to apply for the Graphic Design program after all. And Scott *may* be coming back this September for Pastry Arts! That would rock ass...

- Cassie's doing well. She did lose some weight, but they said it's normal with preemies and not to worry. She's on day 4 for heart drops. Babies have to have 10 straight days with no heart rate drops before they can come home or be moved from the nursery or something. They forget to breathe while they sleep (kinda like Dad's apnea). Laura's breastfeeding her now! Cassie apparently has the sucking down, but needs to work on the swallowing. ^-^

- Chris (as I said before) is really depressed. He needs social activities, he needs to go out with people, he needs a trip away. I plan on emailing Scott and Stephen about a possible visit to Scott in Halifax for the first of March, that would be good for all of us.

- Speaking of trips, I want a tinycircle trip, damn it! >:E

- The chai at Timothy's is really good.

- The first season of 'The Sopranos' kicks ass. Next weekend: Season 2.

- I've been noticing more crows lately. They've been noticing me too.

- I still LOOOVE my piercing. :D

- NYIP has not contacted me since my final tuition payment. It's been two months with no word and no diploma. I tried calling today, but the operators were all busy. Heads will roll. *EVIL* >:E *EVIL*

- Sextris is the shit. Kristal, you were right, that game rules. I'll email you the download link.

- Linkin Park is becoming addictive. New album out in March, woot!

- I need to paint more. I now have all my brushes, paints, sealer and finish here. Why don't I paint more? grr. Someone threaten to eat me if I don't paint them something. Someone tell me to paint something for them, something specific. C'mon now. Inspire me/make me paint!

- I need input for my Street Faery project. I've been trying to decide between making all new characters, or basing the main characters off 4 people I know irl that would fit well in a story about the Otherworld in Charlottetown *COUGH*youknowwhoyouare-emailme*COUGH*

Ahem. That's enough for now. More later.